Trusting God

The older I get, the more I realize that I have no idea what it means to trust in God. When I was younger, and feeling invincible, I thought it meant something along the lines of: Trust God and everything will be okay. Now, when I am older and jaded and disappointed, I see it for what it really is: Trust God. Period.

There is so much to feel sad and discouraged about in this world. People hurt other people. We all die. Babies get sick. Kids rebel. You can spend your whole life pouring yourself into your child and they still might go astray. Life, at it's very core, feels like a crapshoot. Sorrow upon sorrow. Endless.

I know that thinking this way leads some to believe there is no God but I am the opposite. All of this garbage that a lot of us deal with day in, day out leads me to believe that there has to be a God. If there is no God, what is the point? To me, there has to be something else. Believing that God is in His heaven, even with all of the grief and destruction down here, takes a lot of faith. Sometimes my faith feels very small. But it is always there. And if I believe that God is there, then I have to trust Him.

This trust though. What exactly is it? Like I said before, I used to think it was a cause and effect kind of thing. If I trust God, He will keep me healthy. If I trust God, He will make my kids turn out into decent human beings. If I trust God, there will never be anything sad in my life. But life has a way of throwing disillusionment upon even the most optimistic of us. (And I have never claimed to be an optimist.) Once I opened my eyes and realized that life can be extremely hard at times, I wondered what this meant about God and trusting Him.

I think the whole thing comes down to this: Do I believe He is real or not? And I do, so: If He is real, then what do I know about Him? If He is real, then He is there. If He is there, then He has a purpose. If He has a purpose, then whatever I face is not a mistake. If it is not a mistake, then I can trust Him. The question isn't "Will He take this hardship away so I can trust Him again?" but rather "Can I trust Him even though I am facing this really tough thing?" It isn't about give and take and making deals with Him. It's about knowing that if He is real, then He is trustworthy. That whatever comes my way, He will still be there.

God, because of who He is, cannot lie. And He has promised to be with me no matter where I go.

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

    If I make my bed in (hell), you are there!

9 

If I take the wings of the morning

    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10 

even there your hand shall lead me,

    and your right hand shall hold me.

Psalm 139: 8-10

So I think the vital question is this: Do I trust God or not? Well, with all of the cynicism that I have accumulated over the years, I have also found that He who promised is faithful (Heb. 10:23). There has never been a time when I've been feeling discouraged that God has not come through. Maybe it's been a note from a friend, or hearing a Bible verse that seems hand-picked for me, or even simply feeling the fresh breeze on my face and a deep peace in my soul. All of it points to Someone out there who cares for me, and who never runs out of new mercies for each new day that I face.

Their eyes haunt me. Those babies and children who are stuck in a grey world of war. Whose cities, lives, and very homes have been mowed down. Who sleep in the streets and wonder why their mama isn't coming for them. They are hurt, broken and forgotten. They have seen, in one short life, what most of us never see in an entire lifetime. They are refugees and their eyes beg me to rescue them.

I think of my world, which is vastly different from theirs. My comfort, the ease, the take-it-for-granted attitude that I, and everyone around me, bears. My children will not go to bed hungry tonight. I have the privilege of cozying up on a couch with a hot cup of tea, and browse CNN to see what other horrors might be awaiting those with the sorrowful eyes. I will wake up in the morning, if God grants me breath, and I will not think of them. I will go shopping and load up on the consumerism that is slowly killing this nation, and I will forget. When my children wake up Christmas morning with their bright eyes, somewhere those babies are weeping for their mamas.

It makes me cry. In our abundance and privilege, dare we turn these children away? And how have we come to the point in our thinking that we are comparing human souls to gumballs and jellybeans?? (If you don't know what I'm talking about, be very thankful.) I fail to understand why Christians always seem to play Devil's advocate. Why they must always jump on the bandwagon of extremes without even thinking anything through. Or thinking through a very small tunnel. Truth is not found in the extremes, but in the middle.

The doubts do creep in. You wonder if the refugees need to be brought in so quickly. You wonder if our country (or our already poor province of Nova Scotia) has the capability, funds, vaccines, jobs, etc to handle an influx of people. You wonder if our very new, very young Prime Minister has thought this thing through. You wonder what will happen if indeed a terrorist slips through. The doubts are real, and I don't think voicing them means that we don't care.

BUT...

Christians, of all people, know why the world is the way it is. We know what it's eventually going to come to. We know that we are blessed, in the last few hundred years, to not have been persecuted in our first world nation. But more than all of this, we know Who is in control. The government is going to do what the government is going to do, and the last time I checked, in my Bible it says that God is in control of them too. Also, we are told time and time again in God's word, to not fear. The future, murder, persecution, famine, plague, pestilence - none of it should cause us fear. Not that any bad stuff won't happen to us. Rather, Jesus promised that it will happen to us. He said point-blank that in this world we will have trouble (John 16:33). And maybe, just maybe, God wants the refugees to come to us so that we can be shaken out of our very deep sleep.

Maybe it is all being handled poorly. Maybe our country isn't ready to have a large group of refugees come in. Maybe it is the worst decision our Prime Minister could make. Maybe. Who knows?

But if Mr. Trudeau chooses to invite 25, 000 refugees into our country, then we do what Jesus would have done. We forbid them not. (And that might mean keeping our mouths shut on social media.) We clothe them, feed them, shelter them. If they, for whatever reason, choose to persecute us, we turn the other cheek. If they kill us, as some are suggesting could happen, we go to God in heaven. I am not saying something like that wouldn't be tragic or wrong. I am not saying to not be cautious, but it is utterly, completely beyond our control and out of our hands. So let's do the right thing and be the hands and feet of Jesus to a lost and dying world. Let's love as Jesus loved. Let's step out of our cushy lives and give of ourselves the way He gave. And, for goodness' sake, let's stop railing against the inevitable and be the peacemakers He's called us to be.

(They) asked Him, "Which commandment is the most important of all?" Jesus answered, "The most important is... you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these." Mark 12:28-31

A note to myself

I was thinking today of my life as it was approximately eight-ish years ago when I had a toddler and a newborn. Life was - shall we say - rough. My less than two-year-old was busy. So busy that in order to nurse my newborn, I had to lock us into a room, the three of us, me sitting on the bed nursing, my boy playing with the few toys I had in there for him. I just couldn't trust him enough to nurse my baby in the living room with him left to roam free, which usually meant, for him, a trip to the kitchen to explore. I remember sinking to the floor in tears a couple of times during that period. It all just felt like way too much. And I felt like too much of not enough. There wasn't enough of me and I was tired and actually probably a little malnourished now that I think of it. I remember waking up in the mornings and whole-heartedly dreading my day. The long, long day ahead of who-knows-what facing me. Would my toddler sit still long enough for me to sip a cup of tea? Would I be able to read a few sentences of anything? Would I remember, finally, who I was and how I got here? Or would I have to constantly jump up and down to get my boy out of harm's way, to get him another drink, to change another diaper, to make a meal, to make sure everyone was fed and safe, to somehow make sure I got dressed and fed too. It was quite literally the absolute most exhausting time of my life.

And now here I am, on the other side. Somewhere in all that fog I got pregnant again and had my first girl. Suddenly I am the mom of a ten-year-old, eight-year-old and six-year old. I am witness to the fact that life levels out again. Things get better. Soon those toddlers and babies are able to get themselves in and out of the car, to wipe their own bottoms, to dress and feed themselves. Sure, I am still needed. Supper still must be cooked, groceries done and house cleaned and of course the bulk of it falls to me. But the emotional and physical drain on my heart and soul is not nearly as bone-shatteringly tiring. I sound dramatic, but anyone who has been in my shoes knows what I'm talking about.

If I could, I would go back in time to have a chat with myself. And this is what I would say:

1. You are ENOUGH

These particular children were given to you for a reason. You are the best possible mom for them and you are enough. You. Are. Enough. I know it doesn't feel like it, but just feeding and clothing those precious babies is enough. Just being there is enough. I know in writing you're not supposed to keep saying the same word over and over, but I must say it again: YOU ARE ENOUGH. It doesn't matter if all those other moms are crafting and pinteresting and have angelic looking children because you know what? They don't. You find me a mom that is always that perfectly put together and perfectly perfect, and I will tell you that trolls are actually real. All those other moms with 'good' children? Don't exist. Even if it seems like it and I promise that at times it does seem like it, but I am here to tell you that they do not exist. Every other mother that you know, has held poop in her hands. She has yelled at her kids and sometimes she wants to run away. If she tells you that none of this has happened, then she is flat out lying to your face. So, back to my original point, you are enough. If you love your babies and keep everyone fed and alive, you are enough. Our version of 'enough' is too big. We think we have to be superhuman. We forget how tired we are and therefore forget to be gentle with ourselves. The real version of 'enough' is just that: the minimal that you do to ensure love and safety is enough. Enough, I tell you. And no, I am not tired of saying it. I will say it until you believe. ENOUGH.

2. Let go of the guilt

'Frozen' didn't exist back in 2007, but I would sing it to you now. 'Let it go, let it go...' Seriously let it go. Is there any more crippling emotion than guilt? Your kids are fine. They will be fine. It is not going to hurt them if you don't have the energy to play another game with them. It won't kill them to realize that Mommy gets tired too. If they have to cry while you feed their sibling, it's okay. If you can't do much more in the run of a day than to keep the house standing, that is okay. If they have to play independently for a while so you can lay down and rest, they will be okay. No child ever died from Mommy needing a break. If your general pattern is to love on them and if your home is secure and loving and their basic needs are met, it's really, really okay to let the baby cry for a few minutes while you sit and read with your toddler. Trust me. No one is doing this gig better than you and certainly no one ever won an award for being most-stretched-thin mom. Take a break. Leave them with your husband when he gets home and go to Chapters. Or chat with a friend. Or whatever rejuvenates you.

3. God is there

Sometimes He can feel far away, but honestly, and I promise you this, He is right there beside you. He promises to gently lead those who have young children (Isaiah 40:11) and He promises to never leave your side. And I am here, all these years later, to tell you: It is all true. So reach out to Him and draw from His strength. Also, another verse in the Bible tells us to think on what is true (Philippians 4:8). And the truth? You are a good mom. If you got up this morning and kissed your babies, you are a good mom. Any decision you make that is based on the good of your family, means that you are a good mom.

4. This will pass

Newsflash: It does end. All those ladies who stop you in the grocery to store to tell you to 'enjoy it because it goes so fast' actually mean it. I will personally rip their heads off for you about the 'enjoy it' part because let's face it, a lot of what you're going through is actually not enjoyable. We'll talk more about 'joy' next, but for now let me say: It really, truly does go by so very fast. The days feel utterly long and endless sometimes but the years fly by. Soon you will have elementary age children and you will look back on these days of babyhood with longing. (Not really. But that's not my point.)

5. Find the little moments of joy

Now, it's really hard to enjoy these babyhood days. Really, really hard. It's hard to feel joy when you're changing your tenth diaper in a day. Or joy when you step in poop, or find your baby eating his poop, or anything related to poop. It's hard to enjoy it when you've had no sleep the night before and your toddler keeps tantrumming and your baby is going through a growth spurt and won't stop nursing. It's just plain hard. But what I will tell you is this: Find moments to enjoy. Because there are moments of joy. When your little boy sees you weeping on the floor because you forget who you are and he comes over and hugs you (this really happened to me). When your baby smiles their first full-on grin. And sometimes it's about making the moments of joy for yourself. Boiling water for tea. Turning on your favourite restful music. Watching a show during nap time. Going for a walk in the clear fresh air. Remembering to breathe. Just breathe. You will come out of this alive and intact and with amazing children.

6. Ask for help

And last of all, remember to ask for help. My mom was close by and so I did get lots of help from her. But I think there were times when I needed help and didn't ask. I think it would have done wonders for my sanity if I'd asked her once in a while to come get the toddler so I could focus on the baby. (And who knows maybe I did do this. It was all such a fog I think I actually have holes in my brain from it.) (I know I'm writing this to myself technically, but here's a good tip: If you're not near your mom, look for someone else in your life to ask for a breather. If there is someone who would gladly take your toddler off your hands for a while, then ask.) Let go of the guilt that you have to be their everything all the time and just ask.

Okay I think that's all I needed to say. Hang in there, little mama.

Friday links

It's the weekend everyone! I could not be happier! It was also our last day of homeschool today and I am one happy mother! Woohoo! A break from the normal is so needed in this home. Here's to summer and not having to school for a while! 

Here is what I came across this week:

Found this helpful as someone who wants to become a writer. It's my dream!

I could not have made a better list myself! I think she totally nails what makes a great marriage.

There is so much cruelty from Christians on the internet in regards to the whole topic of transgenderism. I found this article to be very compassionate and helpful in terms of how Christians are supposed to respond to the topic.

Jess reminds us to focus on the right things in our parenting.

I don't know about you, but I struggle with doubt from time to time. I don't ever doubt God's existence, but I do doubt Him and His promises and the things He chooses to do/not do. I found this article on the topic encouraging. 

Book review: The Explosive Child

I have a child who is very difficult. A child who doesn't follow the norm of, disobey-be disciplined-life goes on. This child bucks everything that my other children do not. For years, I have felt like a terrible parent, like I am doing everything wrong and like a complete failure. Even though I try my best to be consistent and calm and all the rest of it, this kid just doesn't change. I have read parenting article, after parenting article from all different stances on the parenting spectrum. Some people have told me, indirectly, that there is something wrong with the way my husband and I parent. But honestly that can't be it. Sure, we're broken humans and therefore broken parents, but we can't be that bad. After all, we have two other children who are reasonable and manageable. It can't possibly be entirely our fault.

Enter this book, The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene. It was extremely eye-opening for me. Maybe it is not rocket science and maybe every other parent who reads it will go, "Oh yeah of course! I do that!". But those are the perfect, on-the-ball parents whom I never want to meet.

Basically the premise of the book is this: Some kids are difficult/explosive. But maybe we're focusing on the wrong aspects of the situation to help them become more reasonable. The focus should not be on unilateral parenting (parent laying down the law and enforcing it) but rather identifying the source of the defiance and finding solutions together (parents and child) to get at the root of what's really bothering your child. Dr. Greene believes that some children simply lack the skills for knowing how to react to a parent's expectations. For example, maybe every time you tell him/her to go to bed, they baulk. Well, instead of coming up with another disciplinary measure or another sticker chart, sit down with your child and find out why they baulk every time you ask them to go to bed. Again, maybe all parents already do this, but for me, it was truly enlightening. If we don't take this time to get at the root and heart of our children, then it's all about behaviour modification rather than teaching them to be decent adults.

It just makes so much sense to me. So many parenting blogs, books and articles focus on making your kids obey. Which is all well and good, until you have a child that just won't obey. And then what? I have never known the answer to that until reading this book. The thing is, (and Dr. Greene points this out too) my kid does know right from wrong. He does know what he's supposed to be doing. He just doesn't, I truly believe, know how to process his desires in a way that makes it easier for me help him. I never knew what exactly it was that I was supposed to be doing help him, to get to comply and most of all, to reach his heart. No one ever answers those questions. But I finally feel like I get it.

This is not a Christian-based book. However I found it very helpful and would recommend it to anyone who has a child that is unmanageable. Also, this is not a book that says to give in and stop all consistency at all. But it's a different approach to how to reach your child. Instead of unilateral parenting, it's a collaborative approach. So, so helpful. And it's exactly what I needed.

Hope

Guys, it has been quite the month. There has been a lot of fear in my heart, a lot of sighing and groaning. So today I'm going to share a song that has encouraged my heart this week. Hope it encourages you too. Happy weekend!

There is a Hope

by Stuart Townend

There is a hope that burns within my heart,

That gives me strength for every passing day;

A glimpse of glory now revealed in meagre part,

Yet drives all doubt away:

I stand in Christ, with sins forgiven;

And Christ in me, the hope of heaven!

My highest calling and my deepest joy,

To make His will my home.

There is a hope that lifts my weary head,

A consolation strong against despair,

That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,

I find the Saviour there!

Through present sufferings, future's fear,

He whispers 'courage' in my ear.

For I am safe in everlasting arms,

And they will lead me home.

There is a hope that stands the test of time,

That lifts my eyes beyond the beckoning grave,

To see the matchless beauty of a day divine

When I behold His face!

When sufferings cease and sorrows die,

And every longing satisfied.

Then joy unspeakable will flood my soul,

For I am truly home.

And if you feel like listening to it:

Friday links

I had a whole bunch of articles to share today, but realized most of them revolved around the Duggars. That whole thing has made me so exhausted and so now I refuse to think about it any more or share anything about it with you. I do feel really disillusioned by Christianity at large and I think it's really time for Jesus to come back. There is too much mess and brokenness and my soul can't take it any more.

Without further ado, the links:

The only article remotely related to the topic that I'm going to share is this one. And that is because I think it highlights where many, many Christians go wrong (myself included).

And once again, Jess convicts and encourages with this post on what we should be teaching our kids.

And two posts on how only God can really change our kids: here and here.

Tired and repost

Is anyone else as exhausted and horrified by the Duggar scandal as I am? I don't think I have one coherent thought to share, I feel so drained by it all.

So because of that, I am reposting a few thoughts from my old blog:

Some days, everything feels like a little bit too much. 

I yell at my kids too much.

I snark at my husband too much.

There is too much mess in my head and my heart. 

And not enough.

I am not enough like Christ.

I am not enough as a mom, a wife, a person. 

Nothing I do is ever enough.

The paradox of these two things Too Much and Not Enough is like a pendulum on which I swing all day long. It feels heavy and empty all at the same time.

Life is rough. I am dealing with my kids' mess - in their rooms and hearts - with my husband's idiosyncrasies, with my own demons that taunt and threaten. It never stops.

And then a close extended relative gets a scary diagnosis and suddenly the fragility of life hits me. This husband and these kids, are a gift. The very air we breathe is so very precious. All of us, only here for a heartbeat in time. The days that stretch so endlessly are but a vapor.

So I am reminded to be grateful. The husband that irritates, I will hold his hand and smile at him. The kids that fray my last nerve, I will hold them close and speak to them with kindness.

I am reminded to breathe deeply of God's mercy and grace. He, who has allowed me to be with these precious people for now. He begs me to let Him hold all my Too Much and to fill my Not Enough. After all, He has my family and all my days sitting safely in the palm of His hand.

Friday links

Phew! What a few weeks it has been around here! Lots of things going on, some planned and some not. But this week we were finally able to get back to a normal routine and it has felt so good. Now I'm looking forward to the end of school (Yay! There is light at the end of the tunnel!) and the beginning of summer. I never used to love summer, but after this long winter and being a homeschooling mom now, summer has taken on a deeper meaning for me. I look so forward to doing nothing and not having to cajole my kids to do anything and just resting. I see lots of evenings like this one in our future:

Links for this week:

If you have a few minutes, I highly recommend watching this video. I bawled my eyes out and thought about it for days afterwards. I love stories about the amazing grace of God.

Do you feel like you have to be 'the perfect mom'? This blog post reminds us why we need to show grace to ourselves.

This topic has been close to my heart for a very long time. There's this whole thing in Christianity about 'doing God's will', which becomes 'marrying in God's will'. That idea messed with me and the first few years of my marriage, let me tell you. Maybe I'll one day write about it but for now, this article says very well what I've always wanted to say. 

Jess once again hits the nail on the head with this article about trying to control the outcomes of our kids' lives.

And something just light-hearted and fun to lift your spirits and make you smile. 

Happy Friday and happiest of weekends!

Worry and peace

The older I get, them more I realize how fear-filled most of us are. My friends who public-school their kids worry that the world will whisk their children away, among a myriad of other fears. My friends (and myself) who homeschool carry a whole host of other worries: will our kids get a good enough education? Will they resent us for keeping them home? And so, so many more. Education is just the tip of the iceberg though. There are all the other worries about our kids' health, our health, parenting in general, the world at large. Life has proven to many of us that it is not be trusted. You can't read the news without coming away feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. People we love get sick, die. Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people. Everywhere we turn we see injustice reigning. Life just feels like a crap shoot sometimes.

A lot of nights, even days, anxiety gnaws away at my chest and in my gut. The what ifs and the what nows just overwhelm to the point that I feel physically ill. I try to pray and leave it all with God and yet the darkness lingers. I've always wondered why that is, why I can't let go of worry. Today in my devotional, Nancy Leigh DeMoss shed some light onto something that I probably should have noticed long ago:

"You can and should pray about (worry), of course. But praying is not all you can do. "Do not be anxious about anything," the apostle Paul wrote, in a much-loved passage of Scripture, "but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God" (Phil. 4:6). Then what? "The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (verse 7). When prayer teams up with gratitude, when you open your eyes wide enough to look for God's mercies in the midst of your pain, He meets you with His indescribable peace. It's a promise: prayer + thanksgiving = peace. Prayer is vital, yes. But to really experience His peace in the midst of problems, you must come to Him with gratitude. Costly gratitude. The kind that trusts He is working for your good even in unpleasant circumstances. The kind that garrisons your troubled heart and mind with His unexplainable peace."

And that is the key of the whole thing: gratitude. Thankfulness. Seeing what is already before you and remembering to praise Him for it. Instead of worrying about whether my child is going to get some deadly disease, I need to thank God that they are healthy today. Instead of worrying about how we'll stretch our finances in the next few months, be thankful that today there is food on the table. Rather than worry about how our kids will turn out, be thankful that there is a God Who loves them even more than we do. And that kind of gratitude works against any worry that implants itself in our hearts.

** Things have been quiet on my blog lately due to some stuff going on in my personal life. But I am now back to regular posting. **

Hymns

I am pretty sure there isn't much more in this life more beautiful than a hymn. When I listen to a hymn, it makes me feel close to God, and fills my soul in a satisfying way. I personally think the old traditional hymns are best, although I know there are some gems in our modern repertoire as well. But in my opinion, the old hymn writers were inspired by God in a way that I think our modern writers are missing out on. I'm not exactly sure why this is, but there you have it.

But really, how can you not be fed by the words of the following hymns?

He leadeth me, O blessed thought!
O words with heav’nly comfort fraught!

Whate’er I do, where’er I be

Still ’tis God’s hand that leadeth me.

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were an offering far too small.
Love so amazing, so divine;
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

1. Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
   Earth’s joys grow dim, its glories pass away;
   Change and decay in all around I see—
   O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

I stand amazed in the presence

Of Jesus the Nazarene,

And wonder how He could love me,

A sinner, condemned, unclean.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

I know not why God’s wondrous grace
To me He hath made known,

Nor why, unworthy, Christ in love

Redeemed me for His own.

1. All the way my Saviour leads me,
   Cheers each winding path I tread,
   Gives me grace for every trial,
   Feeds me with the living Bread.
   Though my weary steps may falter
   And my soul athirst may be,
   Gushing from the Rock before me,
   Lo! A spring of joy I see;
   Gushing from the Rock before me,
   Lo! A spring of joy I see.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace.

I am hard pressed to decide which of these hymns are my favourites. I love them all! 

Which hymns do you love? What is your favourite? Or do you prefer modern worship songs?

Friday links

It's Friday Link time! 

This week I only have three articles and one video to share. 

Have a wonderful weekend! 

Two links from Lysa TerKeurst this week: One about fighting for your marriage when your husband has given up and another about when Mother's Day is hard. Although I am not in a hard marriage and not struggling with infertility, I thought she offered great encouragement to those who are. For that reason, I thought I'd share. Also, in the one about Mother's Day, I think the principle of waiting on God for His best can apply to any area of life.

Jess offers some great thoughts on why gender differences are so important. If you have the time, scroll down to the comments section and see her response to a question someone had about male/female traits. Her comment is almost a blog post in itself and she always has a such a great, well-thought out view on things!

I thought this video was a powerful reminder of God's love for even terrorists. It isn't easy, humanly speaking, to forgive a group who makes it their mission to kill Christians. But that is exactly what God calls us to do.

Books I love

I have read a lot of books in my lifetime. Learning to read came easily to me and since I learned how at age six, I've been hooked. I distinctly remember in grade two, my teacher was reading us Ramona Quimby, Age 8 and for some reason I picked the book up myself and realized, hey, I can read this for myself! And that was it. I've been reading ever since. There have been lulls. I haven't always had the time to read as much I like to. Especially when I had my first two babies I lost myself a bit in sea of diapers and feedings and didn't really much in that fog of time. I will not typically just read anything; I'm rather picky actually. If I start a book I am not loving, I stop reading it. Life's too short to read something that isn't grabbing my attention. As for genres, I enjoy mystery, memoir, thriller (some, depends on how graphic), Christian (some, depends on how banal), self-help (some, depends on who's written it), biography/autobiography, some bestsellers/bestselling popular authors.

But where am I going with all of this? Well, I've been thinking about the written word and how essential and important it is, for me at least, to learn from what others have written. Whether fiction or non-fiction, there is usually something to learned or gained from 'hearing' an author's voice. The other day I was thinking about my top favourite books and how important they have been in shaping my thought process as I learn and grow as a mom and wife, as well as my Christian walk. Today I'm going to share five books that have resonated with me so deeply that I haven't forgotten the messages I've learned from them to this day. These are all non-fiction works; maybe someday I will compile a list of my top five favourite fiction books.

1. A Woman's High Calling by Elizabeth George 
This first one I read while in the midst of baby fog almost ten years ago. It's been so long that I actually don't remember much about the book, but I do know that it was pivotal in my decision to stay home with my kids. I'd always vaguely assumed I'd stay home with them since that's what my mom did. But then it was easy to talk myself out of it when my job was so great and the extra cash was nice. So when my first born was a year old, I went back to work. Reading this book however, opened my eyes to just how important it is for kids to have their moms home. (Please don't take this as a judgement if you work outside the home; I understand that a lot of moms have to work, or simply enjoy working, but this is about my journey and my choices.) And yes, I know that the Bible talks about women being 'keepers at home' but sometimes it helps to have someone spell out the 'why' of certain Biblical suggestions. Anyway, I found this book extremely thought-provoking for me at the time.

2. Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow 
I read this one probably about eight years ago. It was one of the few books I managed to read at that time, but it was for my women's book study so I 'had' to read it and I am so glad I did! It's probably the best book on marriage that I've ever read. Whether your husband is a grump or the gentlest man alive, there is help for any wife. In my case, my husband is very gentle and unassuming. I, on the other hand, am very opinionated and bossy. So, I tended to walk all over him. This book totally put me in my place. Again, the Bible tells wives to be respectful to their husbands, but I kind of needed to be told, in today's terms, that my behaviour was not okay. Our marriage has never been awful, but I can definitely say that working on myself to become a better wife has done absolute wonders for our relationship.

3. Am I Messing Up My Kids by Lysa TerKeurst
I read this book a couple of years ago and it was such a healing balm for my soul. I carried a lot of guilt for the way I handled my kids in the first few years of parenting. I was just so hard on them and expected so much from them (especially my first born) and it's been really hard to let that heavy feeling of guilt go. But when I read this book, and actually it's a little study with room to write answers, it felt so refreshing. Lysa reminded me of God's great love for me and my kids and how His love covers and erases everything. There is no reason for me to carry guilt around like a deadweight. It still hasn't been easy to let go of it, but there has been huge healing happening in my heart.

4. Hope for the Weary Mom by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin
This book. I have always been quite vocal about my dislike of parenting books. I despise people making parenting into a formula to follow: if you do x, y, z, your kids will turn out into perfect little minions. It drives me nuts and for years I felt like the worst parent ever because those formulas did not work for me. My kids and I are far too sinful for any old formula. Anyway, this book was so healing for my soul. I cried buckets over this book as my heart cried 'yes' over and over. Because honestly? I found being a mom exhausting. There were many times I actually hated it. But this book made me realize that all moms feel that way from time to time (even if they don't admit it). It validated my feelings while also offering hope and practicality for how to manage the stress I was feeling.

5. Kisses From Katie by Katie J. Davis
This book was a departure from the usual parenting/being a wife/help for the Christian kind of book that I normally read. It was about missions and Katie's calling to Africa to be a missionary, which is so far from my comfort zone. I cried buckets over this book too, simply because it brought to light the very deep need in this world, and how the western civilizations are so spoiled and caught up in their own lives. It opened my eyes to a side of the world that I had not really ever thought too much about before. But not only that, it awakened me to the realization that being a missionary doesn't always mean being called to the mission field, but being a good steward of what God has entrusted me with at this moment.

There are so many honourable mentions and it was so hard to narrow this list down. But these five books are the ones that I felt the most deeply and were most life-changing for me.

Friday links

It's hard to believe that another week has gone by! I know in our house we are itching to be done with the school year and I think I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel! Our winter cabin fever melted away this week along with the snow... spring is finally here and we've been enjoying it to the fullest!

Here are the links I came across this week. Hope you enjoy or find inspiration like I did!

If you public school, this is probably not the article for you, but if you are thinking of homeschooling then you may find it helpful.

I thought this poem was beautiful, and a sweet, raw interpretation of exactly how marriage is.

This article cut me to the core. He totally hit the nail on the head in my opinion. I think I might need to write a post on this topic: how my parents' faith made me want to follow God.

Jess gives good advice on how to 'talk to yourself'. You can change the voice in your head from lies and negativity to truth.

This was an encouraging blog post to remind us we're not alone and we're going to be okay.

Happy weekend!

A look back

A few years ago, I wrote this list, probably on a day when I needed to remember why I do love my life.

Here is what I wrote:

Ten Reasons I Love Being a Mommy:

1. Sloppy wet kisses from rowdy little boys

2. Little arms wrapping around my waist went I crouch down to pick something up

3. A little baby voice saying, "Mama"

4. Watching a baby girl grow into a toddler girl

5. Conversations about God before bed

6. Sweet little chipmunk voices, chattering incessantly

7. Laughter while playing a game together

8. Watching two little boys gain little bits of maturity

9. Chubby baby hands

10. And, dare I say it? All the mess, all the diapers, all the exasperation, and even the countless pieces of Lego I've stepped on. I am slowly starting to realize these days are not going to last forever and am trying to cherish the moments.

So, it's a few years later, and I decided to come up with a list of the reasons I love being a mom now. My kids are a bit older and some things have changed, for example: chipmunk voices are slowly disappearing. Wah!!!

Here is what I've come up with now:

1. Hearing the sounds of hockey being played in the basement by two brothers who are also best friends
2. Playing endless games of Memory, Uno and Candy Land with a sweet girl
3. Conversations that have more depth and questions that require more thought to answer
4. Seeing who my kids are becoming ... seeing how much more work we need to do and realizing at this point there is still lots of time
5. Watching their humour develop, listening to their jokes and funny stories
6. The hearty, delicious laugh of a five year old girl
7. Seeing each of their uniqueness: their likes, dislikes, and how different they are from each other
8. The independence they are all starting to show (which means mama has more free time)
9. Homeschooling and being able to stay home with them
10. Knowing that a lot of the hard work is behind me, and being able to enjoy the fruits of that

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but I think it highlights what being a mom means to me. I'm really loving this stage my kids are in. (And kind of hoping that it's not the calm before the storm of teenage years!) 

Friday links

Happy Friday!! 

I hope everyone had a lovely Easter, remembering the death and resurrection of Jesus! Because He lives we can face tomorrow... and honestly, I would not be able to get out of bed in the morning if I didn't have this hope living inside of me! So thankful for Him. 

Here are some links that I hope you'll enjoy or find inspiring!

Although I don't necessarily want my children roaming the neighbourhood, I thought this article was spot-on! I love how she calls out today's parenting.

I love what this lady has to say about how our emotions get so tied up with our parenting - and how that's a huge hindrance.

I thought this post gave some great tips on the prevention of sexual abuse. It's sad this conversation needs to be had, but there it is.

Let's "Mom-Up"!! Great encouragement from Kelly.

Helpful tips for choosing next year's curriculum. I agreed 100% with her list.

Made this quick and easy meal for my family this week and it was a major hit! Will definitely keep it in my arsenal of tried and true recipes.

Love this idea! It's a great way to support other moms in need. I especially love their Earring of the Month Club... I might have to put my birthday money towards this.

Happiest of weekends!

Are we better than Jesus?

This post is directed at my fellow Christians. 

As a Canadian, I am slightly ashamed to admit: I do not know the ins and outs of politics, specifically American politics. It's never been my thing and I will not pretend to act like I know what I'm talking about. But it seems to me that every time I turn around, there is something in the news about Christians calling for their 'rights'. Or some governor passing, or trying to pass, a law that protects 'religious freedom'. And it rankles me. I've thought about it endlessly and I'll try to spell out what exactly it is that bothers me.

First of all, we live in a broken world. Agreed? It is broken, fallen, and it doesn't take much past the CNN homepage to recognize that fact. We, as a society (I'm looking at you, all of the western civilization AKA first world), are living more blessed and privileged than any society before us. Really, any right that we have is a direct blessing from God. We are blessed. In a society like ours, rights are normal. We expect to have enough to eat, or somewhere to go if we don't have enough money for rent. We expect to be warm at night and have clothes on our back. Even the poorest of us don't know what it's like to live in the extreme poverty of a third world country. So in one sense, we've been rather protected by our blessings; we just don't know what it's like to truly suffer. I also have a pet theory, which may or may not be true: The further a society gets from God, the more 'rights' will be taken away from His people. It's just that simple. If they hate Him, they'll surely hate us. So here's the thing: Blessings are a privilege, not a right. And they could be taken away at any time.

A Christian fighting for his 'religious rights' is so opposite of what Christ set out to teach us. Why on earth would we ever expect to be treated better than He was? Than His disciples were? Who do we really think we are? In John 13:38, Jesus asked Peter, "Will you lay down your life for My sake?" And then in 1 John 3:16 we read, "By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us." If He had the strength and fortitude to stay quiet before His tormentors, can He not also hold us up through any persecution we may face down here? Matthew 10:19-22 - "But when they deliver you up, do not worry about how or what you should speak. For it will be given to you in that hour what you should speak; for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you. ...And you will be hated by all for My name's sake. ...A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master." I am wondering if Christians are fighting too much for their 'right to religious freedom' and I fail to see how that lines up with all of Jesus' talk about laying down His life and us taking up our cross and following Him. Matthew 10:34 - "Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. ...And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it."

Another thing is that true persecution is not brought on oneself. For example, the backlash to proposed laws that support 'religious freedom' is not persecution. You've brought that on yourself. True persecution is standing quietly in the face of opposition. When you say, "I can't do such and such because it goes against the word of God" and get hatred and scorn, that is persecution. Not, "Oh us poor little Christians are so mocked because we simply want religious freedom and the 'right' to honour a God this society hates." No. That is not persecution. That is more like someone self-flagellating to gain some kind of righteousness.

I don't see the apostle Peter fighting for the rights of his fellow persecuted Christians. I don't see him trying to politicize Christianity. Rather, he exhorts them to submit to those in authority (1 Peter 2:13-17). Likewise, the apostle Paul in Romans 13:1-7. And remember, the person ruling in Paul's day was Nero, who eventually executed the him. I hardly think the Christians who faced the literal lions were crying out for their rights. Rather I think they might have considered it an honour to die for Christ.

But see, this is the problem: We think we do have rights. Everyone else has them, or is trying to get them. What about us? Don't we deserve some kind of protection and tolerance?

We are told over and over again to lay our lives down, to take up our cross, to submit to the authorities over us. I don't know that Christians are meant to fight with the world. The world is going to do what the world does best: Revile God. We are told to love God and our neighbour and that's honestly about it. Everything we do or not do should reflect that and flow out of that.

We are the people following the One who said, "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life", the people who have tasted deeply of God's grace. We are those who have felt the depths of Jesus' love as He 'opened not His mouth' (Acts 8:32). We of all people, who have been called to do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with our God (Micah 6:8), should know better.

Note that I do not for a minute think we are not supposed to reach out to our neighbour in a tangible way. I absolutely think we are supposed to be the hands and feet of Jesus (and I fail at this) but what I don't think is that we're supposed to fight with our God-given (yes, God-given) governments. I really don't think it's the place of a Christian to 'change the world'. Why don't we just love the people around us, like we've been commanded to do, and leave the 'changing the world' to The Expert?

One more thought: This world is not our home. Any Christian worth his/her salt knows that our hope is in heaven. John 14:1-4 - "Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you." If we are pilgrims, we are going to face suffering and persecution. The problem is, I think we've forgotten that we're pilgrims on a journey, with a destination in heaven.

Are we called to make social reform in this dark world, or are we called to follow Him, even if that means death?

Haven't I been over this already?

I struggle with anger and yelling when I feel impatient. 

It's never been anything I've kept a secret. I probably struggled with this my whole life, but it's really manifested itself since having kids. I often wondered why, when I've worked so hard on talking nicely to my husband, that I struggle to keep an even tone with my kids. A friend of mine, when I complained about this to her, said, "It's because with your husband you're dealing with a reasonable individual." So very true. Kids tend to bring out the worst because in the end, we really can't control how they behave. And they behave unreasonably because they're children.

But that is no excuse for me being rude and impatient with them. It has been a long, hard road for me. I have run the gamut from throwing up my hands and saying 'I can't do this, I'm not even going to bother trying!' to trying to 'fix' myself in my own strength (accountability partner, identifying my trigger points, etc.). What I have come to realize though, is the answer is actually somewhere in the middle of those two things.

It's 1. I can't do it on my own and 2. I can't fix myself, but I do need to try. God's truth is always somewhere in the middle of the road. We human beings tend to go to extremes of one thing or the other, but I have always found Him in the middle. I need to strive for what is good, to learn to take my anger to Him and let Him change me, but I also need to realize that I cannot change myself. And honestly? When I finally came to that conclusion, that is when I started to notice more of a change in myself.

There is really no practical answer I could give anyone as to how to learn to control their anger/yelling. But as one who has walked this hard road, I can say that God does want to change you. "...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ..." Phil. 1:6 He doesn't want us staying stuck in the same ruts of our sin but wants to help us move forward and become more like Him. The only way I have found is to keep bringing it before Him and seeking forgiveness when I mess up.

One other thing that I have found helpful is to ask God to let me see my kids the way He sees them. I tend to think of them as little people who never do what I want them to do. But God sees them as special human beings made in His image, and He has a plan for them. If I keep this thought and prayer before me, it helps me keep my tone level and respectful. They deserve a mom who talks nicely to them. Because it isn't always just the yelling, but also the impatient tone and making them feel like a bother.

My biggest goal as a mom is to teach my kids kindness. But how can I hope to accomplish that when I don't always know how to be kind myself? I think that the best I can do, is with God's help model kindness and patience as much as I can, and humbly ask for forgiveness when I fail. Hopefully somewhere, somehow they'll see God's grace working through me.

Friday links

Another weekend is upon us and I couldn't be happier! Weekends are my favourite! 

Here is some stuff I came across this week:

Okay, I admit it. Sometimes I feel angry with God. I know it sounds like the height of irreverence, but there it is. And this is me, bearing my flaws for the world to see. But now you'll know why this article fed my soul so much. It's the road I'm walking and I couldn't have said it better.

Jess writes a great blog on how being 'good-enough' is just fine when you're navigating life as a mom. None of us are perfect. Why not just admit it and take short cuts to make our lives easier?

Every mom's worst fear is something happening to one of her kids. The fear that follows closely behind is the fear of her kids having to live without her. One brave mom had to face this fear: Kara Tippetts passed away this week. She leaves behind a young family but also a legacy of kindness and love. She is a true testimony to God's love and her courage will never be forgotten.

I found this article to be very thought-provoking and relevant. I only hope that her voice, and others in her situation, is heard.

And last but not least, a new recipe I tried the other night. It was easy and scrumptious!

Oh yes, one more thing. I saw these at Winners last night and am contemplating adding them to my summer wardrobe. Every girl needs tinfoil shorty shorts in her life, don't you think?

Repost

I'm reposting something from my old blog that I feel rings true for me today:

One of my least favourite things in life is driving on a dark road at night. Living out in the country, I've found myself having to do this very thing on a regular basis. Night driving is never fun at the best of times, but add a storm to the mix and it is downright unnerving. It is hard to see where the next turn is coming and sometimes all you can do is focus on the few feet right in front of you, keep your eyes on the yellow line in the middle and trust that you'll know where to turn when the next bend in the road appears.

This is like life. I have faced some truly dark moments, and don't we all? Sometimes I look at my kids, and all I can see is their sinful hearts. I cannot see how we are going to get from here - misbehaving kids - to there: Grown-up, mature adults. I just can't see it. A lot of times I feel like I am on a dark road, driving blind. Just as my physical eyes don't have the capacity to see more than a few feet in front of me on a dark, snowy night, so my spiritual eyes don't have the capacity to see very far. Actually, they can't see much at all.

When I have a dark day, the first thing that goes out the window is my perspective. I know that I can only take one day at a time. I know that if I cast it all on the Lord, He'll handle it for me. I know that I can trust my future to God. But it doesn't matter that I know all of this, if I don't act on it.

Yesterday was one such day that I honestly could not see the forest for the trees. I felt stuck, floundering in the mess of sin that one child and I made together. I couldn't breathe, thinking of a future that might not turn out the way I want it to. God, really? Are you even there? 

But this. This is why He specifically tells us not to worry. To take one day at a time. He only gives us strength for the day (hour) in front of us because we can't see the future. I only have the few feet in front of me to show me where to go on a dark road. In life, the only thing I can really see, if I take the time to look, is Jesus.

When I look at Him, I see what He's done for me. When I look at Him, I can see what He's doing for me. If I rest in Him, I feel His strength buoying me up through the darkest of days. If He is here with me in the mess of this day, this hour, He will also be with me five, ten, twenty years down the road. I am short-sighted, and because of this, all I can do is reach out and cling to Him.

Friday links

Today on my calendar it says: First Day of Spring. I want to believe this with all my heart but when I look out my window, it tells a different story.

This is how my driveway looked as I left it this morning.

See those two wooden blocks to the right? Those?
Those are the newel posts of my front steps.

Well, here's hoping that things start to melt soon. Although at this point I cannot imagine where all that snow is going to go. It's pretty safe to say that I am utterly beyond sick of the white stuff.

Here are some links:

I love following the Pioneer Woman's blog. She also has a show on the Food Network, but being that I don't have TV, I can't watch it. Or so I thought. A couple of days ago, I realized that foodnetwork.ca has her episodes listed to watch online! If this is your kind of thing, I highly recommend. 

Speaking of the Pioneer Woman, she had someone guest post on her blog this week. The blogger shared some interesting thoughts on homeschooling. I've long thought that having a strong conviction or passion to homeschool should not translate into making others feel it's the only way.

A challenge from Nancy Leigh DeMoss on writing, blogging, ministry, and getting into God's word.

One day recently I had such a craving for a chocolate peanut butter treat. I went to my trusty Google and came up with these and YUM. Go make now. You won't regret it.

Happy weekend everyone!

Stream of conciousness

I am sitting here on this freezing cold Monday morning. It's been a whole week of sickness in our house. School has fallen a bit by the wayside despite my best effort to keep on top of it. Kids are cranky, fighting, recovering, tired. I wonder if there is a scratching at the back of my throat, signalling that maybe Mama is getting sick. If I'm getting sick that means another week of slow school. Spring is days away on the calendar, and yet I look out my window and all I see is the vast whiteness of snow. I cannot conceive right now of ever seeing the grass again.

These are the doldrums of life. The day in, day out of staying home with my kids, of homeschooling. We get sick, we fight, we forgive, we move on then start the cycle all over again. I can look at all of this, at the tedium and wonder why I bother. Is anything, anything at all, getting done? Is any of this worth it? Worth my time, my sacrifce?

I think it all comes down to choice, and choosing how to look at my day and my life. I can focus on the boredom and sheer annoyance that drives me to the brink. Or I can focus on the good that I see around me. There are many, many blessings to be had if I can only open my eyes to see. There is much beauty in my simple life. I may not have the flashy career, the interaction with adults on a daily basis. I may not have the extra cash a job would give me. I might not have the luxury of jumping on a plane and seeing whatever place my heart desires to see. But I have so much.

I hear laundry spinning in the dryer, which means fresh clean clothes.
I see two boys with sniffly noses, sitting on the couch playing a game together.
A little girl who comes and asks me to play Guess Who.
A huge ball of yarn calling my name. A cup of coffee and a cookie.
Spring, just around the corner even if it doesn't look like it from my window.
A God who continues to show me untold grace and faithfulness.

Instead of allowing myself to feel unfulfilled, to look out my window and what could be waiting on the other side of the hill, I can allow myself to find fulfilment right where I am. I can drink in God's word and let Him fill my empty spaces. Talk to Him and let Him lead me by the quiet waters. I don't think there is anything, not one thing in this world that would fulfil me more than He can. No matter where I go, I will still be there, with all of my brokenness that needs to be fixed. And the beauty of it is, no matter where I am, there He will be too.

Friday links

We've been fighting sickness this week at our house and the internet hasn't been overly inspiring lately. But I have a couple of recipes to share and a 'what I'm reading'. Also, it reached ten degrees Celsius this week at our place and it smelled gloriously of spring outside! Things are starting to thaw. (I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that we're supposed to get a major snowstorm over the weekend.) 

Made the yummiest chocolate chip cookies the other day! There's a secret ingredient in them that makes them so chewy and yum...

And along those same lines, I found this recipe which I plan to try this summer. I had my first frozen hot chocolate at Second Cup last year and it was delish. So here's to hoping that I can make my own version at home!

I am reading this book by Stephen King. I have never read anything by him since I am not a fan of the horror genre, but clearly he's done something right with all the bestsellers he's written over the years. I figure he's got something to say about writing and I've had this book recommended to me from various people. When I'm done reading it I will review it here!

Happy weekend!