Book review: The Explosive Child

I have a child who is very difficult. A child who doesn't follow the norm of, disobey-be disciplined-life goes on. This child bucks everything that my other children do not. For years, I have felt like a terrible parent, like I am doing everything wrong and like a complete failure. Even though I try my best to be consistent and calm and all the rest of it, this kid just doesn't change. I have read parenting article, after parenting article from all different stances on the parenting spectrum. Some people have told me, indirectly, that there is something wrong with the way my husband and I parent. But honestly that can't be it. Sure, we're broken humans and therefore broken parents, but we can't be that bad. After all, we have two other children who are reasonable and manageable. It can't possibly be entirely our fault.

Enter this book, The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene. It was extremely eye-opening for me. Maybe it is not rocket science and maybe every other parent who reads it will go, "Oh yeah of course! I do that!". But those are the perfect, on-the-ball parents whom I never want to meet.

Basically the premise of the book is this: Some kids are difficult/explosive. But maybe we're focusing on the wrong aspects of the situation to help them become more reasonable. The focus should not be on unilateral parenting (parent laying down the law and enforcing it) but rather identifying the source of the defiance and finding solutions together (parents and child) to get at the root of what's really bothering your child. Dr. Greene believes that some children simply lack the skills for knowing how to react to a parent's expectations. For example, maybe every time you tell him/her to go to bed, they baulk. Well, instead of coming up with another disciplinary measure or another sticker chart, sit down with your child and find out why they baulk every time you ask them to go to bed. Again, maybe all parents already do this, but for me, it was truly enlightening. If we don't take this time to get at the root and heart of our children, then it's all about behaviour modification rather than teaching them to be decent adults.

It just makes so much sense to me. So many parenting blogs, books and articles focus on making your kids obey. Which is all well and good, until you have a child that just won't obey. And then what? I have never known the answer to that until reading this book. The thing is, (and Dr. Greene points this out too) my kid does know right from wrong. He does know what he's supposed to be doing. He just doesn't, I truly believe, know how to process his desires in a way that makes it easier for me help him. I never knew what exactly it was that I was supposed to be doing help him, to get to comply and most of all, to reach his heart. No one ever answers those questions. But I finally feel like I get it.

This is not a Christian-based book. However I found it very helpful and would recommend it to anyone who has a child that is unmanageable. Also, this is not a book that says to give in and stop all consistency at all. But it's a different approach to how to reach your child. Instead of unilateral parenting, it's a collaborative approach. So, so helpful. And it's exactly what I needed.

Books I love

I have read a lot of books in my lifetime. Learning to read came easily to me and since I learned how at age six, I've been hooked. I distinctly remember in grade two, my teacher was reading us Ramona Quimby, Age 8 and for some reason I picked the book up myself and realized, hey, I can read this for myself! And that was it. I've been reading ever since. There have been lulls. I haven't always had the time to read as much I like to. Especially when I had my first two babies I lost myself a bit in sea of diapers and feedings and didn't really much in that fog of time. I will not typically just read anything; I'm rather picky actually. If I start a book I am not loving, I stop reading it. Life's too short to read something that isn't grabbing my attention. As for genres, I enjoy mystery, memoir, thriller (some, depends on how graphic), Christian (some, depends on how banal), self-help (some, depends on who's written it), biography/autobiography, some bestsellers/bestselling popular authors.

But where am I going with all of this? Well, I've been thinking about the written word and how essential and important it is, for me at least, to learn from what others have written. Whether fiction or non-fiction, there is usually something to learned or gained from 'hearing' an author's voice. The other day I was thinking about my top favourite books and how important they have been in shaping my thought process as I learn and grow as a mom and wife, as well as my Christian walk. Today I'm going to share five books that have resonated with me so deeply that I haven't forgotten the messages I've learned from them to this day. These are all non-fiction works; maybe someday I will compile a list of my top five favourite fiction books.

1. A Woman's High Calling by Elizabeth George 
This first one I read while in the midst of baby fog almost ten years ago. It's been so long that I actually don't remember much about the book, but I do know that it was pivotal in my decision to stay home with my kids. I'd always vaguely assumed I'd stay home with them since that's what my mom did. But then it was easy to talk myself out of it when my job was so great and the extra cash was nice. So when my first born was a year old, I went back to work. Reading this book however, opened my eyes to just how important it is for kids to have their moms home. (Please don't take this as a judgement if you work outside the home; I understand that a lot of moms have to work, or simply enjoy working, but this is about my journey and my choices.) And yes, I know that the Bible talks about women being 'keepers at home' but sometimes it helps to have someone spell out the 'why' of certain Biblical suggestions. Anyway, I found this book extremely thought-provoking for me at the time.

2. Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow 
I read this one probably about eight years ago. It was one of the few books I managed to read at that time, but it was for my women's book study so I 'had' to read it and I am so glad I did! It's probably the best book on marriage that I've ever read. Whether your husband is a grump or the gentlest man alive, there is help for any wife. In my case, my husband is very gentle and unassuming. I, on the other hand, am very opinionated and bossy. So, I tended to walk all over him. This book totally put me in my place. Again, the Bible tells wives to be respectful to their husbands, but I kind of needed to be told, in today's terms, that my behaviour was not okay. Our marriage has never been awful, but I can definitely say that working on myself to become a better wife has done absolute wonders for our relationship.

3. Am I Messing Up My Kids by Lysa TerKeurst
I read this book a couple of years ago and it was such a healing balm for my soul. I carried a lot of guilt for the way I handled my kids in the first few years of parenting. I was just so hard on them and expected so much from them (especially my first born) and it's been really hard to let that heavy feeling of guilt go. But when I read this book, and actually it's a little study with room to write answers, it felt so refreshing. Lysa reminded me of God's great love for me and my kids and how His love covers and erases everything. There is no reason for me to carry guilt around like a deadweight. It still hasn't been easy to let go of it, but there has been huge healing happening in my heart.

4. Hope for the Weary Mom by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin
This book. I have always been quite vocal about my dislike of parenting books. I despise people making parenting into a formula to follow: if you do x, y, z, your kids will turn out into perfect little minions. It drives me nuts and for years I felt like the worst parent ever because those formulas did not work for me. My kids and I are far too sinful for any old formula. Anyway, this book was so healing for my soul. I cried buckets over this book as my heart cried 'yes' over and over. Because honestly? I found being a mom exhausting. There were many times I actually hated it. But this book made me realize that all moms feel that way from time to time (even if they don't admit it). It validated my feelings while also offering hope and practicality for how to manage the stress I was feeling.

5. Kisses From Katie by Katie J. Davis
This book was a departure from the usual parenting/being a wife/help for the Christian kind of book that I normally read. It was about missions and Katie's calling to Africa to be a missionary, which is so far from my comfort zone. I cried buckets over this book too, simply because it brought to light the very deep need in this world, and how the western civilizations are so spoiled and caught up in their own lives. It opened my eyes to a side of the world that I had not really ever thought too much about before. But not only that, it awakened me to the realization that being a missionary doesn't always mean being called to the mission field, but being a good steward of what God has entrusted me with at this moment.

There are so many honourable mentions and it was so hard to narrow this list down. But these five books are the ones that I felt the most deeply and were most life-changing for me.

Book review: The War of Art.

I've been talking about this book in my last two posts now and I finally finished reading it, so I think it's time to review!

Okay, so yes, the book's premise I found to be totally fascinating. In all, I enjoyed reading it and found it to be very eye-opening. That being said, there was a lot in it that I either didn't necessarily agree with, or that I just found a little bit far-fetched. The author, Steven Pressfield, tended to over-spiritualize some concepts and I thought it was a little bit tedious at times.

But the main premise of the book is this: All of us having something that we are meant to do, a talent that we know we possess, but more often than not, we do nothing about it because of - what he terms - Resistance. Resistance, he says, is the single enemy to us moving forward in our 'art', whether that be writing (in his case and mine), painting, cooking, or any other thing that human beings take an interest in. According to Steven, Resistance keeps us from being our true selves; it's the thing that holds us back. He goes even further by saying that this Resistance not only holds back our talent, but also things like dieting, discipline, exercise, etc. I found this to be so interesting. Because honestly? When I get up in the morning, and think that I should really eat more healthy, or exercise a bit that day, all I feel is a wall. And I think he's right: it's a wall of Resistance. He goes so far as to claim that there would be no need for prisons, nor would there be any crime if human beings were able to overcome this Resistance. By giving in to Resistance and not overcoming it, we then turn to any number of vices: alcohol, drugs, food, etc. These vices are the easy way out rather than working hard at what it is we are called to do.

I love this concept. I'd never thought of it that way before but I feel like he's right. I haven't completely sorted out yet how this fits in with my Christian perspective, but I think it all fits together. Although, maybe what he terms 'Resistance', I would just term 'sin nature'. But regardless, I found it a great read and highly recommend if you are struggling in what you consider your 'art'.

I feel the need to give a fair warning that from time to time he throws in a 'bad word' if that's the kind of thing that bothers you.