I have a child who is very difficult. A child who doesn't follow the norm of, disobey-be disciplined-life goes on. This child bucks everything that my other children do not. For years, I have felt like a terrible parent, like I am doing everything wrong and like a complete failure. Even though I try my best to be consistent and calm and all the rest of it, this kid just doesn't change. I have read parenting article, after parenting article from all different stances on the parenting spectrum. Some people have told me, indirectly, that there is something wrong with the way my husband and I parent. But honestly that can't be it. Sure, we're broken humans and therefore broken parents, but we can't be that bad. After all, we have two other children who are reasonable and manageable. It can't possibly be entirely our fault.
Enter this book, The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene. It was extremely eye-opening for me. Maybe it is not rocket science and maybe every other parent who reads it will go, "Oh yeah of course! I do that!". But those are the perfect, on-the-ball parents whom I never want to meet.
Basically the premise of the book is this: Some kids are difficult/explosive. But maybe we're focusing on the wrong aspects of the situation to help them become more reasonable. The focus should not be on unilateral parenting (parent laying down the law and enforcing it) but rather identifying the source of the defiance and finding solutions together (parents and child) to get at the root of what's really bothering your child. Dr. Greene believes that some children simply lack the skills for knowing how to react to a parent's expectations. For example, maybe every time you tell him/her to go to bed, they baulk. Well, instead of coming up with another disciplinary measure or another sticker chart, sit down with your child and find out why they baulk every time you ask them to go to bed. Again, maybe all parents already do this, but for me, it was truly enlightening. If we don't take this time to get at the root and heart of our children, then it's all about behaviour modification rather than teaching them to be decent adults.
It just makes so much sense to me. So many parenting blogs, books and articles focus on making your kids obey. Which is all well and good, until you have a child that just won't obey. And then what? I have never known the answer to that until reading this book. The thing is, (and Dr. Greene points this out too) my kid does know right from wrong. He does know what he's supposed to be doing. He just doesn't, I truly believe, know how to process his desires in a way that makes it easier for me help him. I never knew what exactly it was that I was supposed to be doing help him, to get to comply and most of all, to reach his heart. No one ever answers those questions. But I finally feel like I get it.
This is not a Christian-based book. However I found it very helpful and would recommend it to anyone who has a child that is unmanageable. Also, this is not a book that says to give in and stop all consistency at all. But it's a different approach to how to reach your child. Instead of unilateral parenting, it's a collaborative approach. So, so helpful. And it's exactly what I needed.
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