Fear Not

I live in a bubble. I am a white female, living comfortable middle-class in beautiful, free Canada. There is not much to threaten me; barring natural causes or freak accidents, I live a low-risk existence. Basically, there is not much I need to worry about in life.

And yet.

I struggle, often, with feelings of deep fear and anxiety. I often don't even know what exactly it is that I'm afraid of, although most of my worry is about my family. I tend towards glass-half-empty thought processes, doomsday conclusions. I call myself Eeyore and truly, it's not a joke. In many ways, I could not be more negative.

Seems ludicrous, doesn't it? To live such a plush existence, with no worry about money (not like some anyway), or where my next meal will come from, or how I'll clothe or shelter my children. I am even free to homeschool, and in many countries this is not the case. Loving husband, darling children, family and friends who love me despite my many faults. To have this life, this wonderful, wonderful life and still to feel such deep fear and anxiety? It's irrational. Really, it makes no sense at all.

Fear, sometimes, is unexplainable. It's an emotion that crushes, and causes the most terrible panic. It's been said so many times over the last week that people are afraid with this new president in power. Likewise, it's been said that they need to get over it and stop whining. But I wonder, if we really stopped to put ourselves in other people's shoes, just once, if we could maybe understand that sometimes the fear just can't be gotten over. Sometimes, it is too overwhelming. Sometimes, it's even irrational. But a lot of times it's not. And really, the bottom line is, this world is truly a dark and scary place. This last week has proved that for many.

Life is scary when you have the kindest person in power. When you have a wildcard at the top, all of a sudden life becomes a lot more uncertain. There have been many hurtful things thrown out into the nether by this man. Lots of derogatory, mean and downright frightening things that he's uttered. A sheer lack of respect for his fellow human, and especially those of a different ethnicity or religion, people with disabilities, women and homosexuals, and many others. This person is now the leader of his country, a country that prides itself on it's freedom and bravery but he holds the keys to their safety and well-being. No wonder they feel afraid.

If I was able, if I was given the chance to talk to just one frightened person, I would say this: Whether your fear is real or imagined, justified or not, whether you live in a bubble like me, or you fear for your child's safety because of their skin colour, regardless of who is in power in your country and what he might do to you or say about you, there is hope. It's what I believe with all my heart; maybe you don't and maybe you never will. But I can only share what I know and what gets me through the day. It is this: There is a God in heaven. He created you and loves you beyond all imagining. He even sent His Son to die for you. He cares about you and doesn't want you to be afraid. Jesus walked this earth Himself and He knows how dark and frightening it is. He was unjustly accused, and eventually died because the men in power hated Him. He understands the fear. But He is in control, believe it or not and one day He'll set everything to rights. If I didn't have this promise from Him and if I didn't believe He wasn't going to fix all the horrific injustice someday, I would not get up tomorrow morning. One thing though, He doesn't promise to take the hard stuff away, He only promises to walk through it with you. But I can tell you, from experience, that He is faithful to His promises.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Oh, my soul

Oh, how you worry

Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control

This was the one thing, you didn't see coming

And no one would blame you, though

If you cried in private

If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows

No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul

You are not alone

There's a place where fear has to face the God you know

One more day, He will make a way

Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

'Cause you're not alone

Here and now

You can be honest

I won't try to promise that someday it all works out

'Cause this is the valley

And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones

And there will be dancing

There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone

This much I know

Oh, my soul

You are not alone

There's a place where fear has to face the God you know

One more day, He will make a way

Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

-- by Casting Crowns

The hard stuff

Almost two years ago, the right side of my body went numb for two months. It was the scariest time in my life to date. When you have no idea why this is happening, when you think that you could possibly have a brain tumour or neurological disease, it's terrifying. I spent most of those days in a fog. I tried not to panic but it was hard. My doctor thought maybe it could be Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and wanted me to go for an MRI.

The numbness went away and so did the urgency for an MRI. She kept me on the waiting list though, thinking it would be better just to get my brain scanned anyway. More than a year after my symptoms went away, they finally called me in for the test. (Gotta love Canadian healthcare. But I am truly thankful I didn't have to pay for it.) I endured the dread of being shoved into a dark tunnel (MRI's are no walk in the park, let me tell you) and then had to wait a month to hear anything. I knew they would find something. You can't have that kind of numbness in your body and not have some kind of issue with your brain.

They found 'lesions', or scar tissue on my brain. This meant that I'd had an attack (the numbness) and that it had healed itself (which is why the numbness went away). I was scared. My doctor set up an appointment with a neurologist but he couldn't tell me much. MS is really hard to diagnose. He needs me to go for a spinal tap so that is where I currently am in this journey. Waiting for a spinal tap and taking one day at a time.

During the two months that I was actually feeling (or not feeling, as the case may be) numbness, I did a lot of soul-searching. I cried and I prayed and I questioned God. The conclusion I came to is this: None of us are promised tomorrow. I only have today and it is a gift. Today I haven't officially been diagnosed with MS, and honestly, I may never be. Still, the what-ifs hover. But, today I can see, I can speak, I can walk, I can breathe, I am alive. Life is beyond precious. If there is anything I learned during those two months it is that I love my life. I have been abundantly blessed beyond anything that I deserve. If my future holds wheelchairs and medications, then I will be given the grace to walk through it. Because if there is one thing I know for sure, it's that God is faithful. He was with me when life felt so uncertain, He is with me now, and He will be with me always.

Life is hard, I fully believe this. Every single person is given a cross to bear. Each and every one of us will have something in our lives that makes us turn to God, of that I am certain. But everyone's cross is going to look different. I am not saying God causes hard things in our lives, but He doesn't always take them away. This world is broken, and so are we. The peace we can find though, is in knowing that there is something and Someone beyond ourselves. That there is a higher purpose, more than just the pain we experience. I've heard the analogy before of life as a tapestry. Right now, we can only see underneath the tapestry, with all the messy threads and the picture that doesn't make sense from the back. But above the tapestry, God is weaving a beautiful design and one day He will show us what He's been up to.

While I'm learning not to wallow in the negativity of life, I never want to be blind to the reality of pain. I think there is a balance to be had between being realistic about hardship, while finding a way to embrace it, or at least move through it in a positive way. For me, this means accepting what might be a possible diagnosis. Accepting, and then taking each day as it comes. I'm learning to be more mindful of what a gift each day really is.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8 

Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.  -- C.S. Lewis

Trusting God

The older I get, the more I realize that I have no idea what it means to trust in God. When I was younger, and feeling invincible, I thought it meant something along the lines of: Trust God and everything will be okay. Now, when I am older and jaded and disappointed, I see it for what it really is: Trust God. Period.

There is so much to feel sad and discouraged about in this world. People hurt other people. We all die. Babies get sick. Kids rebel. You can spend your whole life pouring yourself into your child and they still might go astray. Life, at it's very core, feels like a crapshoot. Sorrow upon sorrow. Endless.

I know that thinking this way leads some to believe there is no God but I am the opposite. All of this garbage that a lot of us deal with day in, day out leads me to believe that there has to be a God. If there is no God, what is the point? To me, there has to be something else. Believing that God is in His heaven, even with all of the grief and destruction down here, takes a lot of faith. Sometimes my faith feels very small. But it is always there. And if I believe that God is there, then I have to trust Him.

This trust though. What exactly is it? Like I said before, I used to think it was a cause and effect kind of thing. If I trust God, He will keep me healthy. If I trust God, He will make my kids turn out into decent human beings. If I trust God, there will never be anything sad in my life. But life has a way of throwing disillusionment upon even the most optimistic of us. (And I have never claimed to be an optimist.) Once I opened my eyes and realized that life can be extremely hard at times, I wondered what this meant about God and trusting Him.

I think the whole thing comes down to this: Do I believe He is real or not? And I do, so: If He is real, then what do I know about Him? If He is real, then He is there. If He is there, then He has a purpose. If He has a purpose, then whatever I face is not a mistake. If it is not a mistake, then I can trust Him. The question isn't "Will He take this hardship away so I can trust Him again?" but rather "Can I trust Him even though I am facing this really tough thing?" It isn't about give and take and making deals with Him. It's about knowing that if He is real, then He is trustworthy. That whatever comes my way, He will still be there.

God, because of who He is, cannot lie. And He has promised to be with me no matter where I go.

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

    If I make my bed in (hell), you are there!

9 

If I take the wings of the morning

    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10 

even there your hand shall lead me,

    and your right hand shall hold me.

Psalm 139: 8-10

So I think the vital question is this: Do I trust God or not? Well, with all of the cynicism that I have accumulated over the years, I have also found that He who promised is faithful (Heb. 10:23). There has never been a time when I've been feeling discouraged that God has not come through. Maybe it's been a note from a friend, or hearing a Bible verse that seems hand-picked for me, or even simply feeling the fresh breeze on my face and a deep peace in my soul. All of it points to Someone out there who cares for me, and who never runs out of new mercies for each new day that I face.

Friday links

It's the weekend everyone! I could not be happier! It was also our last day of homeschool today and I am one happy mother! Woohoo! A break from the normal is so needed in this home. Here's to summer and not having to school for a while! 

Here is what I came across this week:

Found this helpful as someone who wants to become a writer. It's my dream!

I could not have made a better list myself! I think she totally nails what makes a great marriage.

There is so much cruelty from Christians on the internet in regards to the whole topic of transgenderism. I found this article to be very compassionate and helpful in terms of how Christians are supposed to respond to the topic.

Jess reminds us to focus on the right things in our parenting.

I don't know about you, but I struggle with doubt from time to time. I don't ever doubt God's existence, but I do doubt Him and His promises and the things He chooses to do/not do. I found this article on the topic encouraging. 

Hope

Guys, it has been quite the month. There has been a lot of fear in my heart, a lot of sighing and groaning. So today I'm going to share a song that has encouraged my heart this week. Hope it encourages you too. Happy weekend!

There is a Hope

by Stuart Townend

There is a hope that burns within my heart,

That gives me strength for every passing day;

A glimpse of glory now revealed in meagre part,

Yet drives all doubt away:

I stand in Christ, with sins forgiven;

And Christ in me, the hope of heaven!

My highest calling and my deepest joy,

To make His will my home.

There is a hope that lifts my weary head,

A consolation strong against despair,

That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,

I find the Saviour there!

Through present sufferings, future's fear,

He whispers 'courage' in my ear.

For I am safe in everlasting arms,

And they will lead me home.

There is a hope that stands the test of time,

That lifts my eyes beyond the beckoning grave,

To see the matchless beauty of a day divine

When I behold His face!

When sufferings cease and sorrows die,

And every longing satisfied.

Then joy unspeakable will flood my soul,

For I am truly home.

And if you feel like listening to it:

Friday links

Phew! What a few weeks it has been around here! Lots of things going on, some planned and some not. But this week we were finally able to get back to a normal routine and it has felt so good. Now I'm looking forward to the end of school (Yay! There is light at the end of the tunnel!) and the beginning of summer. I never used to love summer, but after this long winter and being a homeschooling mom now, summer has taken on a deeper meaning for me. I look so forward to doing nothing and not having to cajole my kids to do anything and just resting. I see lots of evenings like this one in our future:

Links for this week:

If you have a few minutes, I highly recommend watching this video. I bawled my eyes out and thought about it for days afterwards. I love stories about the amazing grace of God.

Do you feel like you have to be 'the perfect mom'? This blog post reminds us why we need to show grace to ourselves.

This topic has been close to my heart for a very long time. There's this whole thing in Christianity about 'doing God's will', which becomes 'marrying in God's will'. That idea messed with me and the first few years of my marriage, let me tell you. Maybe I'll one day write about it but for now, this article says very well what I've always wanted to say. 

Jess once again hits the nail on the head with this article about trying to control the outcomes of our kids' lives.

And something just light-hearted and fun to lift your spirits and make you smile. 

Happy Friday and happiest of weekends!

Friday links

It's Friday Link time! 

This week I only have three articles and one video to share. 

Have a wonderful weekend! 

Two links from Lysa TerKeurst this week: One about fighting for your marriage when your husband has given up and another about when Mother's Day is hard. Although I am not in a hard marriage and not struggling with infertility, I thought she offered great encouragement to those who are. For that reason, I thought I'd share. Also, in the one about Mother's Day, I think the principle of waiting on God for His best can apply to any area of life.

Jess offers some great thoughts on why gender differences are so important. If you have the time, scroll down to the comments section and see her response to a question someone had about male/female traits. Her comment is almost a blog post in itself and she always has a such a great, well-thought out view on things!

I thought this video was a powerful reminder of God's love for even terrorists. It isn't easy, humanly speaking, to forgive a group who makes it their mission to kill Christians. But that is exactly what God calls us to do.

Repost

I'm reposting something from my old blog that I feel rings true for me today:

One of my least favourite things in life is driving on a dark road at night. Living out in the country, I've found myself having to do this very thing on a regular basis. Night driving is never fun at the best of times, but add a storm to the mix and it is downright unnerving. It is hard to see where the next turn is coming and sometimes all you can do is focus on the few feet right in front of you, keep your eyes on the yellow line in the middle and trust that you'll know where to turn when the next bend in the road appears.

This is like life. I have faced some truly dark moments, and don't we all? Sometimes I look at my kids, and all I can see is their sinful hearts. I cannot see how we are going to get from here - misbehaving kids - to there: Grown-up, mature adults. I just can't see it. A lot of times I feel like I am on a dark road, driving blind. Just as my physical eyes don't have the capacity to see more than a few feet in front of me on a dark, snowy night, so my spiritual eyes don't have the capacity to see very far. Actually, they can't see much at all.

When I have a dark day, the first thing that goes out the window is my perspective. I know that I can only take one day at a time. I know that if I cast it all on the Lord, He'll handle it for me. I know that I can trust my future to God. But it doesn't matter that I know all of this, if I don't act on it.

Yesterday was one such day that I honestly could not see the forest for the trees. I felt stuck, floundering in the mess of sin that one child and I made together. I couldn't breathe, thinking of a future that might not turn out the way I want it to. God, really? Are you even there? 

But this. This is why He specifically tells us not to worry. To take one day at a time. He only gives us strength for the day (hour) in front of us because we can't see the future. I only have the few feet in front of me to show me where to go on a dark road. In life, the only thing I can really see, if I take the time to look, is Jesus.

When I look at Him, I see what He's done for me. When I look at Him, I can see what He's doing for me. If I rest in Him, I feel His strength buoying me up through the darkest of days. If He is here with me in the mess of this day, this hour, He will also be with me five, ten, twenty years down the road. I am short-sighted, and because of this, all I can do is reach out and cling to Him.