Fear Not

I live in a bubble. I am a white female, living comfortable middle-class in beautiful, free Canada. There is not much to threaten me; barring natural causes or freak accidents, I live a low-risk existence. Basically, there is not much I need to worry about in life.

And yet.

I struggle, often, with feelings of deep fear and anxiety. I often don't even know what exactly it is that I'm afraid of, although most of my worry is about my family. I tend towards glass-half-empty thought processes, doomsday conclusions. I call myself Eeyore and truly, it's not a joke. In many ways, I could not be more negative.

Seems ludicrous, doesn't it? To live such a plush existence, with no worry about money (not like some anyway), or where my next meal will come from, or how I'll clothe or shelter my children. I am even free to homeschool, and in many countries this is not the case. Loving husband, darling children, family and friends who love me despite my many faults. To have this life, this wonderful, wonderful life and still to feel such deep fear and anxiety? It's irrational. Really, it makes no sense at all.

Fear, sometimes, is unexplainable. It's an emotion that crushes, and causes the most terrible panic. It's been said so many times over the last week that people are afraid with this new president in power. Likewise, it's been said that they need to get over it and stop whining. But I wonder, if we really stopped to put ourselves in other people's shoes, just once, if we could maybe understand that sometimes the fear just can't be gotten over. Sometimes, it is too overwhelming. Sometimes, it's even irrational. But a lot of times it's not. And really, the bottom line is, this world is truly a dark and scary place. This last week has proved that for many.

Life is scary when you have the kindest person in power. When you have a wildcard at the top, all of a sudden life becomes a lot more uncertain. There have been many hurtful things thrown out into the nether by this man. Lots of derogatory, mean and downright frightening things that he's uttered. A sheer lack of respect for his fellow human, and especially those of a different ethnicity or religion, people with disabilities, women and homosexuals, and many others. This person is now the leader of his country, a country that prides itself on it's freedom and bravery but he holds the keys to their safety and well-being. No wonder they feel afraid.

If I was able, if I was given the chance to talk to just one frightened person, I would say this: Whether your fear is real or imagined, justified or not, whether you live in a bubble like me, or you fear for your child's safety because of their skin colour, regardless of who is in power in your country and what he might do to you or say about you, there is hope. It's what I believe with all my heart; maybe you don't and maybe you never will. But I can only share what I know and what gets me through the day. It is this: There is a God in heaven. He created you and loves you beyond all imagining. He even sent His Son to die for you. He cares about you and doesn't want you to be afraid. Jesus walked this earth Himself and He knows how dark and frightening it is. He was unjustly accused, and eventually died because the men in power hated Him. He understands the fear. But He is in control, believe it or not and one day He'll set everything to rights. If I didn't have this promise from Him and if I didn't believe He wasn't going to fix all the horrific injustice someday, I would not get up tomorrow morning. One thing though, He doesn't promise to take the hard stuff away, He only promises to walk through it with you. But I can tell you, from experience, that He is faithful to His promises.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Oh, my soul

Oh, how you worry

Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control

This was the one thing, you didn't see coming

And no one would blame you, though

If you cried in private

If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows

No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul

You are not alone

There's a place where fear has to face the God you know

One more day, He will make a way

Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

'Cause you're not alone

Here and now

You can be honest

I won't try to promise that someday it all works out

'Cause this is the valley

And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones

And there will be dancing

There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone

This much I know

Oh, my soul

You are not alone

There's a place where fear has to face the God you know

One more day, He will make a way

Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

-- by Casting Crowns

Racism terrifies me

I am reading The Sign of the Beaver (by Elizabeth George Speare) to my boys for Language Arts. It's about a young boy named Matt, set in pioneer days, who is left alone in his family's log cabin while his dad goes east to collect his mother and sister. While waiting for his family to return, he comes into contact with a native man and his grandson, Attean. Through a series of events, it comes to light that the older man wants Matt to teach Attean to read. Here is a snippet:

"Attean learn," he said. "White man come more and more to (our) land. White man not make treaty with pipe. White man make signs on paper, signs (we) not know. (We) put mark on paper to show him friend of white man. Then white man take land. Tell (us we) cannot hunt on land. Attean learn to read white man's signs. Attean not give away hunting grounds."

And then, while Matt is teaching Attean to read by reading to him from the book Robinson Crusoe, they come to a part where a white man rescues a native man. The native man then proceeds to kneel down to the white man in gratitude. Attean interrupts:

"NO!" he shouted. "Not so."
Matt stopped, bewildered.
"Never kneel down to a white man!" said Attean.
"But Crusoe had saved his life."
"Not kneel down," Attean repeated fiercely. "Not be slave. Better die." 

He then leaves and Matt is left with his thoughts.

He had never questioned that story. Like Robinson Crusoe, he had thought it natural and right that the wild man should be the white man's slave. Was there perhaps another possibility? The thought was new and troubling.

And that, my friends, in a nutshell, is what is wrong with our history as white people. We thought we were so superior. We misunderstood any living soul who looked differently than us, ate differently, had different customs. We thought we were the ones who had the right to take their land, to choose not to really see these beautiful people.

Down through history this has always been the case. White men being afraid of 'different' and lashing out, wreaking havoc on endless souls. It really hit home to me today, reading this book with my kids. Not only with the natives in both Canada and the US, but also with the slave trade of the blacks in the states. It's just unspeakable what people of my skin colour have done to others out of a sense of superiority. It is truly evil. An evil straight from the pit of hell.

It's so easy for us to think, "Oh that happened hundreds of years ago, but now everything is okay." Thinking like that is a shield because the alternative is terrifying. It's terrifying to imagine that people might still feel hatred towards others. But the other day it came to my attention that a popular white blogger was being harassed on Twitter because she posted a picture of her black son. The hatred that was spewing from these internet trolls, directed at her and her precious child was unbelievable to me. It didn't seem like real life. But it was.

I was reminded by my brother tonight that it also isn't just the open attack (although I wouldn't call sending tweets open; rather it's pretty cowardly to sit behind a screen and insult someone) that is horrifying, but also the underhanded, less obvious mentality that is so pervasive. He shared this quote with me: "Racism doesn't usually look like someone shouting slurs, (it) looks like people eagerly looking for a reason why a black kid deserved to die." - Lou Schumaker. It looks like cops killing children and getting let off the hook. It looks like people not caring that a mother goes to bed at night not knowing if her son will be next. It looks like a blind eye turned, a deaf ear, a cold shoulder. It looks like choosing not to know.

And I'm scared. I'm so utterly scared and horrified that we still live in a world with such hatred. I am devastated to think that maybe racism has not gone anywhere but is still alive and even thriving. There are people out there with hate in their hearts so vicious that they will attack a child with their words and their weapons. My mind cannot comprehend it. I can't begin to understand a world that tears down rather than lifts up. A system that finds fault with how someone lives rather than extending the hand of compassion.

What can I do about it though? It feels too big and overwhelming. And really, there is probably nothing we really can do. We can't change the hatefulness in so many hearts. If we want change though, it needs to begin with us. I can teach my children to love others. I can teach them the history of racism and hatred in our culture, teach them about how the white men stole the natives' land. How white men were so afraid of 'different' that they killed and hurt and destroyed. I can teach them about black history and the slave trade and abolition, about Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr and making sure we don't forget these warriors. We have lots of conversations about not judging others based on appearance. I try to teach them to live by this quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." (This quote is attributed to Plato but it is not certain.) I teach them how Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God and love your neighbour. I don't know if it sinks in or not. I hope it does. I hope that they can learn to see others through God's eyes, to see their beauty. I want them to see that each soul who graces this planet is deeply precious and loved by God.

It's not enough, I know it. I don't know what the answers are, really. I do believe, with all my heart, that one day God will set things to right and will bring justice to everyone who has ever been wronged. For now though, I'm hoping that at least keeping my head out of the sand and teaching my kids to do the same, might be a small start.

Repost

I'm reposting something from my old blog that I feel rings true for me today:

One of my least favourite things in life is driving on a dark road at night. Living out in the country, I've found myself having to do this very thing on a regular basis. Night driving is never fun at the best of times, but add a storm to the mix and it is downright unnerving. It is hard to see where the next turn is coming and sometimes all you can do is focus on the few feet right in front of you, keep your eyes on the yellow line in the middle and trust that you'll know where to turn when the next bend in the road appears.

This is like life. I have faced some truly dark moments, and don't we all? Sometimes I look at my kids, and all I can see is their sinful hearts. I cannot see how we are going to get from here - misbehaving kids - to there: Grown-up, mature adults. I just can't see it. A lot of times I feel like I am on a dark road, driving blind. Just as my physical eyes don't have the capacity to see more than a few feet in front of me on a dark, snowy night, so my spiritual eyes don't have the capacity to see very far. Actually, they can't see much at all.

When I have a dark day, the first thing that goes out the window is my perspective. I know that I can only take one day at a time. I know that if I cast it all on the Lord, He'll handle it for me. I know that I can trust my future to God. But it doesn't matter that I know all of this, if I don't act on it.

Yesterday was one such day that I honestly could not see the forest for the trees. I felt stuck, floundering in the mess of sin that one child and I made together. I couldn't breathe, thinking of a future that might not turn out the way I want it to. God, really? Are you even there? 

But this. This is why He specifically tells us not to worry. To take one day at a time. He only gives us strength for the day (hour) in front of us because we can't see the future. I only have the few feet in front of me to show me where to go on a dark road. In life, the only thing I can really see, if I take the time to look, is Jesus.

When I look at Him, I see what He's done for me. When I look at Him, I can see what He's doing for me. If I rest in Him, I feel His strength buoying me up through the darkest of days. If He is here with me in the mess of this day, this hour, He will also be with me five, ten, twenty years down the road. I am short-sighted, and because of this, all I can do is reach out and cling to Him.