A note to myself

I was thinking today of my life as it was approximately eight-ish years ago when I had a toddler and a newborn. Life was - shall we say - rough. My less than two-year-old was busy. So busy that in order to nurse my newborn, I had to lock us into a room, the three of us, me sitting on the bed nursing, my boy playing with the few toys I had in there for him. I just couldn't trust him enough to nurse my baby in the living room with him left to roam free, which usually meant, for him, a trip to the kitchen to explore. I remember sinking to the floor in tears a couple of times during that period. It all just felt like way too much. And I felt like too much of not enough. There wasn't enough of me and I was tired and actually probably a little malnourished now that I think of it. I remember waking up in the mornings and whole-heartedly dreading my day. The long, long day ahead of who-knows-what facing me. Would my toddler sit still long enough for me to sip a cup of tea? Would I be able to read a few sentences of anything? Would I remember, finally, who I was and how I got here? Or would I have to constantly jump up and down to get my boy out of harm's way, to get him another drink, to change another diaper, to make a meal, to make sure everyone was fed and safe, to somehow make sure I got dressed and fed too. It was quite literally the absolute most exhausting time of my life.

And now here I am, on the other side. Somewhere in all that fog I got pregnant again and had my first girl. Suddenly I am the mom of a ten-year-old, eight-year-old and six-year old. I am witness to the fact that life levels out again. Things get better. Soon those toddlers and babies are able to get themselves in and out of the car, to wipe their own bottoms, to dress and feed themselves. Sure, I am still needed. Supper still must be cooked, groceries done and house cleaned and of course the bulk of it falls to me. But the emotional and physical drain on my heart and soul is not nearly as bone-shatteringly tiring. I sound dramatic, but anyone who has been in my shoes knows what I'm talking about.

If I could, I would go back in time to have a chat with myself. And this is what I would say:

1. You are ENOUGH

These particular children were given to you for a reason. You are the best possible mom for them and you are enough. You. Are. Enough. I know it doesn't feel like it, but just feeding and clothing those precious babies is enough. Just being there is enough. I know in writing you're not supposed to keep saying the same word over and over, but I must say it again: YOU ARE ENOUGH. It doesn't matter if all those other moms are crafting and pinteresting and have angelic looking children because you know what? They don't. You find me a mom that is always that perfectly put together and perfectly perfect, and I will tell you that trolls are actually real. All those other moms with 'good' children? Don't exist. Even if it seems like it and I promise that at times it does seem like it, but I am here to tell you that they do not exist. Every other mother that you know, has held poop in her hands. She has yelled at her kids and sometimes she wants to run away. If she tells you that none of this has happened, then she is flat out lying to your face. So, back to my original point, you are enough. If you love your babies and keep everyone fed and alive, you are enough. Our version of 'enough' is too big. We think we have to be superhuman. We forget how tired we are and therefore forget to be gentle with ourselves. The real version of 'enough' is just that: the minimal that you do to ensure love and safety is enough. Enough, I tell you. And no, I am not tired of saying it. I will say it until you believe. ENOUGH.

2. Let go of the guilt

'Frozen' didn't exist back in 2007, but I would sing it to you now. 'Let it go, let it go...' Seriously let it go. Is there any more crippling emotion than guilt? Your kids are fine. They will be fine. It is not going to hurt them if you don't have the energy to play another game with them. It won't kill them to realize that Mommy gets tired too. If they have to cry while you feed their sibling, it's okay. If you can't do much more in the run of a day than to keep the house standing, that is okay. If they have to play independently for a while so you can lay down and rest, they will be okay. No child ever died from Mommy needing a break. If your general pattern is to love on them and if your home is secure and loving and their basic needs are met, it's really, really okay to let the baby cry for a few minutes while you sit and read with your toddler. Trust me. No one is doing this gig better than you and certainly no one ever won an award for being most-stretched-thin mom. Take a break. Leave them with your husband when he gets home and go to Chapters. Or chat with a friend. Or whatever rejuvenates you.

3. God is there

Sometimes He can feel far away, but honestly, and I promise you this, He is right there beside you. He promises to gently lead those who have young children (Isaiah 40:11) and He promises to never leave your side. And I am here, all these years later, to tell you: It is all true. So reach out to Him and draw from His strength. Also, another verse in the Bible tells us to think on what is true (Philippians 4:8). And the truth? You are a good mom. If you got up this morning and kissed your babies, you are a good mom. Any decision you make that is based on the good of your family, means that you are a good mom.

4. This will pass

Newsflash: It does end. All those ladies who stop you in the grocery to store to tell you to 'enjoy it because it goes so fast' actually mean it. I will personally rip their heads off for you about the 'enjoy it' part because let's face it, a lot of what you're going through is actually not enjoyable. We'll talk more about 'joy' next, but for now let me say: It really, truly does go by so very fast. The days feel utterly long and endless sometimes but the years fly by. Soon you will have elementary age children and you will look back on these days of babyhood with longing. (Not really. But that's not my point.)

5. Find the little moments of joy

Now, it's really hard to enjoy these babyhood days. Really, really hard. It's hard to feel joy when you're changing your tenth diaper in a day. Or joy when you step in poop, or find your baby eating his poop, or anything related to poop. It's hard to enjoy it when you've had no sleep the night before and your toddler keeps tantrumming and your baby is going through a growth spurt and won't stop nursing. It's just plain hard. But what I will tell you is this: Find moments to enjoy. Because there are moments of joy. When your little boy sees you weeping on the floor because you forget who you are and he comes over and hugs you (this really happened to me). When your baby smiles their first full-on grin. And sometimes it's about making the moments of joy for yourself. Boiling water for tea. Turning on your favourite restful music. Watching a show during nap time. Going for a walk in the clear fresh air. Remembering to breathe. Just breathe. You will come out of this alive and intact and with amazing children.

6. Ask for help

And last of all, remember to ask for help. My mom was close by and so I did get lots of help from her. But I think there were times when I needed help and didn't ask. I think it would have done wonders for my sanity if I'd asked her once in a while to come get the toddler so I could focus on the baby. (And who knows maybe I did do this. It was all such a fog I think I actually have holes in my brain from it.) (I know I'm writing this to myself technically, but here's a good tip: If you're not near your mom, look for someone else in your life to ask for a breather. If there is someone who would gladly take your toddler off your hands for a while, then ask.) Let go of the guilt that you have to be their everything all the time and just ask.

Okay I think that's all I needed to say. Hang in there, little mama.

Friday links

I had a whole bunch of articles to share today, but realized most of them revolved around the Duggars. That whole thing has made me so exhausted and so now I refuse to think about it any more or share anything about it with you. I do feel really disillusioned by Christianity at large and I think it's really time for Jesus to come back. There is too much mess and brokenness and my soul can't take it any more.

Without further ado, the links:

The only article remotely related to the topic that I'm going to share is this one. And that is because I think it highlights where many, many Christians go wrong (myself included).

And once again, Jess convicts and encourages with this post on what we should be teaching our kids.

And two posts on how only God can really change our kids: here and here.

Tired and repost

Is anyone else as exhausted and horrified by the Duggar scandal as I am? I don't think I have one coherent thought to share, I feel so drained by it all.

So because of that, I am reposting a few thoughts from my old blog:

Some days, everything feels like a little bit too much. 

I yell at my kids too much.

I snark at my husband too much.

There is too much mess in my head and my heart. 

And not enough.

I am not enough like Christ.

I am not enough as a mom, a wife, a person. 

Nothing I do is ever enough.

The paradox of these two things Too Much and Not Enough is like a pendulum on which I swing all day long. It feels heavy and empty all at the same time.

Life is rough. I am dealing with my kids' mess - in their rooms and hearts - with my husband's idiosyncrasies, with my own demons that taunt and threaten. It never stops.

And then a close extended relative gets a scary diagnosis and suddenly the fragility of life hits me. This husband and these kids, are a gift. The very air we breathe is so very precious. All of us, only here for a heartbeat in time. The days that stretch so endlessly are but a vapor.

So I am reminded to be grateful. The husband that irritates, I will hold his hand and smile at him. The kids that fray my last nerve, I will hold them close and speak to them with kindness.

I am reminded to breathe deeply of God's mercy and grace. He, who has allowed me to be with these precious people for now. He begs me to let Him hold all my Too Much and to fill my Not Enough. After all, He has my family and all my days sitting safely in the palm of His hand.

Friday links

Phew! What a few weeks it has been around here! Lots of things going on, some planned and some not. But this week we were finally able to get back to a normal routine and it has felt so good. Now I'm looking forward to the end of school (Yay! There is light at the end of the tunnel!) and the beginning of summer. I never used to love summer, but after this long winter and being a homeschooling mom now, summer has taken on a deeper meaning for me. I look so forward to doing nothing and not having to cajole my kids to do anything and just resting. I see lots of evenings like this one in our future:

Links for this week:

If you have a few minutes, I highly recommend watching this video. I bawled my eyes out and thought about it for days afterwards. I love stories about the amazing grace of God.

Do you feel like you have to be 'the perfect mom'? This blog post reminds us why we need to show grace to ourselves.

This topic has been close to my heart for a very long time. There's this whole thing in Christianity about 'doing God's will', which becomes 'marrying in God's will'. That idea messed with me and the first few years of my marriage, let me tell you. Maybe I'll one day write about it but for now, this article says very well what I've always wanted to say. 

Jess once again hits the nail on the head with this article about trying to control the outcomes of our kids' lives.

And something just light-hearted and fun to lift your spirits and make you smile. 

Happy Friday and happiest of weekends!

Friday links

It's Friday Link time! 

This week I only have three articles and one video to share. 

Have a wonderful weekend! 

Two links from Lysa TerKeurst this week: One about fighting for your marriage when your husband has given up and another about when Mother's Day is hard. Although I am not in a hard marriage and not struggling with infertility, I thought she offered great encouragement to those who are. For that reason, I thought I'd share. Also, in the one about Mother's Day, I think the principle of waiting on God for His best can apply to any area of life.

Jess offers some great thoughts on why gender differences are so important. If you have the time, scroll down to the comments section and see her response to a question someone had about male/female traits. Her comment is almost a blog post in itself and she always has a such a great, well-thought out view on things!

I thought this video was a powerful reminder of God's love for even terrorists. It isn't easy, humanly speaking, to forgive a group who makes it their mission to kill Christians. But that is exactly what God calls us to do.

Books I love

I have read a lot of books in my lifetime. Learning to read came easily to me and since I learned how at age six, I've been hooked. I distinctly remember in grade two, my teacher was reading us Ramona Quimby, Age 8 and for some reason I picked the book up myself and realized, hey, I can read this for myself! And that was it. I've been reading ever since. There have been lulls. I haven't always had the time to read as much I like to. Especially when I had my first two babies I lost myself a bit in sea of diapers and feedings and didn't really much in that fog of time. I will not typically just read anything; I'm rather picky actually. If I start a book I am not loving, I stop reading it. Life's too short to read something that isn't grabbing my attention. As for genres, I enjoy mystery, memoir, thriller (some, depends on how graphic), Christian (some, depends on how banal), self-help (some, depends on who's written it), biography/autobiography, some bestsellers/bestselling popular authors.

But where am I going with all of this? Well, I've been thinking about the written word and how essential and important it is, for me at least, to learn from what others have written. Whether fiction or non-fiction, there is usually something to learned or gained from 'hearing' an author's voice. The other day I was thinking about my top favourite books and how important they have been in shaping my thought process as I learn and grow as a mom and wife, as well as my Christian walk. Today I'm going to share five books that have resonated with me so deeply that I haven't forgotten the messages I've learned from them to this day. These are all non-fiction works; maybe someday I will compile a list of my top five favourite fiction books.

1. A Woman's High Calling by Elizabeth George 
This first one I read while in the midst of baby fog almost ten years ago. It's been so long that I actually don't remember much about the book, but I do know that it was pivotal in my decision to stay home with my kids. I'd always vaguely assumed I'd stay home with them since that's what my mom did. But then it was easy to talk myself out of it when my job was so great and the extra cash was nice. So when my first born was a year old, I went back to work. Reading this book however, opened my eyes to just how important it is for kids to have their moms home. (Please don't take this as a judgement if you work outside the home; I understand that a lot of moms have to work, or simply enjoy working, but this is about my journey and my choices.) And yes, I know that the Bible talks about women being 'keepers at home' but sometimes it helps to have someone spell out the 'why' of certain Biblical suggestions. Anyway, I found this book extremely thought-provoking for me at the time.

2. Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow 
I read this one probably about eight years ago. It was one of the few books I managed to read at that time, but it was for my women's book study so I 'had' to read it and I am so glad I did! It's probably the best book on marriage that I've ever read. Whether your husband is a grump or the gentlest man alive, there is help for any wife. In my case, my husband is very gentle and unassuming. I, on the other hand, am very opinionated and bossy. So, I tended to walk all over him. This book totally put me in my place. Again, the Bible tells wives to be respectful to their husbands, but I kind of needed to be told, in today's terms, that my behaviour was not okay. Our marriage has never been awful, but I can definitely say that working on myself to become a better wife has done absolute wonders for our relationship.

3. Am I Messing Up My Kids by Lysa TerKeurst
I read this book a couple of years ago and it was such a healing balm for my soul. I carried a lot of guilt for the way I handled my kids in the first few years of parenting. I was just so hard on them and expected so much from them (especially my first born) and it's been really hard to let that heavy feeling of guilt go. But when I read this book, and actually it's a little study with room to write answers, it felt so refreshing. Lysa reminded me of God's great love for me and my kids and how His love covers and erases everything. There is no reason for me to carry guilt around like a deadweight. It still hasn't been easy to let go of it, but there has been huge healing happening in my heart.

4. Hope for the Weary Mom by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin
This book. I have always been quite vocal about my dislike of parenting books. I despise people making parenting into a formula to follow: if you do x, y, z, your kids will turn out into perfect little minions. It drives me nuts and for years I felt like the worst parent ever because those formulas did not work for me. My kids and I are far too sinful for any old formula. Anyway, this book was so healing for my soul. I cried buckets over this book as my heart cried 'yes' over and over. Because honestly? I found being a mom exhausting. There were many times I actually hated it. But this book made me realize that all moms feel that way from time to time (even if they don't admit it). It validated my feelings while also offering hope and practicality for how to manage the stress I was feeling.

5. Kisses From Katie by Katie J. Davis
This book was a departure from the usual parenting/being a wife/help for the Christian kind of book that I normally read. It was about missions and Katie's calling to Africa to be a missionary, which is so far from my comfort zone. I cried buckets over this book too, simply because it brought to light the very deep need in this world, and how the western civilizations are so spoiled and caught up in their own lives. It opened my eyes to a side of the world that I had not really ever thought too much about before. But not only that, it awakened me to the realization that being a missionary doesn't always mean being called to the mission field, but being a good steward of what God has entrusted me with at this moment.

There are so many honourable mentions and it was so hard to narrow this list down. But these five books are the ones that I felt the most deeply and were most life-changing for me.

A look back

A few years ago, I wrote this list, probably on a day when I needed to remember why I do love my life.

Here is what I wrote:

Ten Reasons I Love Being a Mommy:

1. Sloppy wet kisses from rowdy little boys

2. Little arms wrapping around my waist went I crouch down to pick something up

3. A little baby voice saying, "Mama"

4. Watching a baby girl grow into a toddler girl

5. Conversations about God before bed

6. Sweet little chipmunk voices, chattering incessantly

7. Laughter while playing a game together

8. Watching two little boys gain little bits of maturity

9. Chubby baby hands

10. And, dare I say it? All the mess, all the diapers, all the exasperation, and even the countless pieces of Lego I've stepped on. I am slowly starting to realize these days are not going to last forever and am trying to cherish the moments.

So, it's a few years later, and I decided to come up with a list of the reasons I love being a mom now. My kids are a bit older and some things have changed, for example: chipmunk voices are slowly disappearing. Wah!!!

Here is what I've come up with now:

1. Hearing the sounds of hockey being played in the basement by two brothers who are also best friends
2. Playing endless games of Memory, Uno and Candy Land with a sweet girl
3. Conversations that have more depth and questions that require more thought to answer
4. Seeing who my kids are becoming ... seeing how much more work we need to do and realizing at this point there is still lots of time
5. Watching their humour develop, listening to their jokes and funny stories
6. The hearty, delicious laugh of a five year old girl
7. Seeing each of their uniqueness: their likes, dislikes, and how different they are from each other
8. The independence they are all starting to show (which means mama has more free time)
9. Homeschooling and being able to stay home with them
10. Knowing that a lot of the hard work is behind me, and being able to enjoy the fruits of that

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but I think it highlights what being a mom means to me. I'm really loving this stage my kids are in. (And kind of hoping that it's not the calm before the storm of teenage years!) 

Friday links

Another weekend is upon us and I couldn't be happier! Weekends are my favourite! 

Here is some stuff I came across this week:

Okay, I admit it. Sometimes I feel angry with God. I know it sounds like the height of irreverence, but there it is. And this is me, bearing my flaws for the world to see. But now you'll know why this article fed my soul so much. It's the road I'm walking and I couldn't have said it better.

Jess writes a great blog on how being 'good-enough' is just fine when you're navigating life as a mom. None of us are perfect. Why not just admit it and take short cuts to make our lives easier?

Every mom's worst fear is something happening to one of her kids. The fear that follows closely behind is the fear of her kids having to live without her. One brave mom had to face this fear: Kara Tippetts passed away this week. She leaves behind a young family but also a legacy of kindness and love. She is a true testimony to God's love and her courage will never be forgotten.

I found this article to be very thought-provoking and relevant. I only hope that her voice, and others in her situation, is heard.

And last but not least, a new recipe I tried the other night. It was easy and scrumptious!

Oh yes, one more thing. I saw these at Winners last night and am contemplating adding them to my summer wardrobe. Every girl needs tinfoil shorty shorts in her life, don't you think?

Friday links.

Here is my first Friday links post!!

I hope you find something encouraging to read in this list.

I only pick the best of what's inspired me.

Enjoy :)

If you need to be reminded about how precious and fragile life is...

INSPIRATION

If you are feeling discouraged in your homeschool life...

HOMESCHOOLING

I love cake. I especially love pound cake. But without lemon flavouring as most seem to have. I found *the* perfect pound cake recipe. It is beyond delish...

CAKE

Excellent post on becoming a writer. It's definitely inspired me to learn how to write better and more...

WRITING

I've been looking more into what makes a good blogger and I found this post by the Hollywood Housewife to be informative...

BLOGGING

What is social media doing to our writing? I shared this in Monday's blog post, but here it is again. Very worth the read if this is your thing...

Social Media

I had a difficult week. But mostly because sometimes I can't face my life. This article totally hit home and reminded me to find the joy in the life I've chosen...

MOTHERHOOD

Happy reading! Happy weekend!