A look back

A few years ago, I wrote this list, probably on a day when I needed to remember why I do love my life.

Here is what I wrote:

Ten Reasons I Love Being a Mommy:

1. Sloppy wet kisses from rowdy little boys

2. Little arms wrapping around my waist went I crouch down to pick something up

3. A little baby voice saying, "Mama"

4. Watching a baby girl grow into a toddler girl

5. Conversations about God before bed

6. Sweet little chipmunk voices, chattering incessantly

7. Laughter while playing a game together

8. Watching two little boys gain little bits of maturity

9. Chubby baby hands

10. And, dare I say it? All the mess, all the diapers, all the exasperation, and even the countless pieces of Lego I've stepped on. I am slowly starting to realize these days are not going to last forever and am trying to cherish the moments.

So, it's a few years later, and I decided to come up with a list of the reasons I love being a mom now. My kids are a bit older and some things have changed, for example: chipmunk voices are slowly disappearing. Wah!!!

Here is what I've come up with now:

1. Hearing the sounds of hockey being played in the basement by two brothers who are also best friends
2. Playing endless games of Memory, Uno and Candy Land with a sweet girl
3. Conversations that have more depth and questions that require more thought to answer
4. Seeing who my kids are becoming ... seeing how much more work we need to do and realizing at this point there is still lots of time
5. Watching their humour develop, listening to their jokes and funny stories
6. The hearty, delicious laugh of a five year old girl
7. Seeing each of their uniqueness: their likes, dislikes, and how different they are from each other
8. The independence they are all starting to show (which means mama has more free time)
9. Homeschooling and being able to stay home with them
10. Knowing that a lot of the hard work is behind me, and being able to enjoy the fruits of that

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but I think it highlights what being a mom means to me. I'm really loving this stage my kids are in. (And kind of hoping that it's not the calm before the storm of teenage years!) 

Haven't I been over this already?

I struggle with anger and yelling when I feel impatient. 

It's never been anything I've kept a secret. I probably struggled with this my whole life, but it's really manifested itself since having kids. I often wondered why, when I've worked so hard on talking nicely to my husband, that I struggle to keep an even tone with my kids. A friend of mine, when I complained about this to her, said, "It's because with your husband you're dealing with a reasonable individual." So very true. Kids tend to bring out the worst because in the end, we really can't control how they behave. And they behave unreasonably because they're children.

But that is no excuse for me being rude and impatient with them. It has been a long, hard road for me. I have run the gamut from throwing up my hands and saying 'I can't do this, I'm not even going to bother trying!' to trying to 'fix' myself in my own strength (accountability partner, identifying my trigger points, etc.). What I have come to realize though, is the answer is actually somewhere in the middle of those two things.

It's 1. I can't do it on my own and 2. I can't fix myself, but I do need to try. God's truth is always somewhere in the middle of the road. We human beings tend to go to extremes of one thing or the other, but I have always found Him in the middle. I need to strive for what is good, to learn to take my anger to Him and let Him change me, but I also need to realize that I cannot change myself. And honestly? When I finally came to that conclusion, that is when I started to notice more of a change in myself.

There is really no practical answer I could give anyone as to how to learn to control their anger/yelling. But as one who has walked this hard road, I can say that God does want to change you. "...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ..." Phil. 1:6 He doesn't want us staying stuck in the same ruts of our sin but wants to help us move forward and become more like Him. The only way I have found is to keep bringing it before Him and seeking forgiveness when I mess up.

One other thing that I have found helpful is to ask God to let me see my kids the way He sees them. I tend to think of them as little people who never do what I want them to do. But God sees them as special human beings made in His image, and He has a plan for them. If I keep this thought and prayer before me, it helps me keep my tone level and respectful. They deserve a mom who talks nicely to them. Because it isn't always just the yelling, but also the impatient tone and making them feel like a bother.

My biggest goal as a mom is to teach my kids kindness. But how can I hope to accomplish that when I don't always know how to be kind myself? I think that the best I can do, is with God's help model kindness and patience as much as I can, and humbly ask for forgiveness when I fail. Hopefully somewhere, somehow they'll see God's grace working through me.

Perspective is a wonderful thing

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time. When I first became a mom, I had no clue what I was doing. Combine that with holding myself and my firstborn up to unattainably high standards and it pretty much caused an implosion within myself. I recently read somewhere about a mom who feels as though each couple of years, another layer of fog lifts and she feels more secure and confident in parenting. I totally related to that. I have learned so, so much over the last ten years. Ten years. Oh my, I can hardly believe my firstborn is going to be ten this year! Where has the time gone, and yet, sometimes those years felt like they would never end.

I distinctly remember one time, shortly after I had my second baby, sitting on the middle of my kitchen floor, crying my eyes out. I couldn't do it. I had a 20 month old, active, rambunctious boy, with a new, month-old baby. They were both in diapers and to breastfeed the baby, I had to lock all three of us in a bedroom that contained only a bed and some toys so that I didn't have to jump up mid feed and take the toddler out of a danger zone. It was hard. I felt overwhelmed, tired, and I had absolutely no clue who I was or how I got there.

The days felt so unendurably long. I'd wake up in the morning and literally dread my day. I was hard on myself, felt constantly guilty about everything, and it didn't get better. My toddler became a little boy and my baby became a toddler. I freaked out over every little thing, stayed in an endless funk, and was way too hard on my oldest because he wasn't behaving the way I thought he should be.

Then came the school years and another baby. Then a decision to homeschool. And it's only very, very recently, like in the last six months, that I'm finally, finally starting to feel a wee bit confident and at peace with the whole parenting gig. I'm finally learning to let go a bit on the unrealistic expectations, to feel a bit more like I can breathe. I feel like I can enjoy life again, like I finally at long last remember who I am.

Think back over the last ten years, I wish I could go back in time, and if I could, this is what I would tell myself:

Don't freak out over every little mistake they or you make. You'll remember none of those mistakes years later. If perchance you do remember some of those mistakes - let them go. It's never too late to start over.

This too shall pass. The sleepless nights, the tantrum years, the potty training, the weaning, the picky eating - it all either gets better or ends. They do grow up.

Let go of the guilt. Truly. It only eats you up and steals your joy. Let it go.

Enjoy them. I hated when people said that to me but it's the absolute truth. I wish with all my heart I could go back and soak up every minute of their baby and toddler years with my fresh new outlook. (But only for a day...)

Keep low expectations, but pick your battles. Rules are necessary but not everything needs to have a rule. Pick what is important to you and work on that. Giving in on things you don't care about once in a while will not make or break them. Giving in on things that matter to you deeply? Don't. Stand your ground and stay firm.

Love, love, love them. I was much too harsh and impatient (and I am still working on this, but I feel softer now) and wish I told them more that I love them. I wish I had hugged them and kissed them more. (And I realize I still have them with me, so I try to implement this every day.)

I realize this all makes me sound like an old lady with no kids left in my nest, but I do honestly feel like I have some perspective now that I didn't have before. And it also reminds me to take my own advice and enjoy them while they're still under my roof.

It's no big secret or anything. I think it's just that somewhere along the way I learned that it's okay. It's okay for me to mess up, pick myself up and try again. It's okay if my kids mess up. It's okay to chill out and try to have fun with them rather than constantly waiting for bedtime to come. (Does anyone else do that?) But I think it's also that to have three tiny kids (a four year old, a two year old and a newborn) shouldn't be underestimated. It is hard, tough work. It all starts to get better when they become more independent and reasonable. I just wish I'd shown myself and them a lot more grace in the middle of it all back then.

The missing element.

As parents we are constantly second-guessing our choices. Do we breastfeed or bottlefeed? And if we use formula does that mean our kids will have low immune systems? Do we co-sleep or not? If we do will our kids turn out co-dependent and if we don't will our kids turn out unable to bond? Homeschool? We might run the risk of raising hermits. Public school? We run the risk of losing our kids to peer pressure and conformity. There are so many, many choices on the parenting spectrum. Every single day we are making one choice or another. Parenting means making choices for our kids that we don't really, at the heart of it, know if any of it is going to work or is ultimately the right thing. We can do textbook parenting and still have our kids rebel. We could do everything wrong and have our kid turn out to be the next prime minister. I don't want to say it's a crapshoot. As a Christian parent, I know that it's not, and that God will work it all out for good. But in a general, human sense, it is somewhat of a crapshoot, simply because we cannot see the end of the road. We have to make choices today that will affect our kids' tomorrows, but we're flying blind a bit because we simply can't see the future.

For the most part, when we make a decision about what road we're going to take, it's with a lot of blood, sweat and tears and lots of thought and prayer. When I started breastfeeding my first it wasn't the blissful experience I expected so I formula fed him when he turned six months old. That was not an easy choice since it was all I could do to keep the guilty feelings away. We made the choice to homeschool our kids because we feel like it's the best thing for our family right now, but it doesn't mean it's easy or that I know without a doubt that it's going to guarantee non-rebellious kids, or even a great education for them.

Where am I going with all of this?

There is the mom who scours the internet, talks to friends and to her husband and any other sources she feels are necessary. She spends lots of time thinking about whether to vaccinate her children or not and comes to the conclusion that she won't.

There is the mom who scours the internet, talks to friends and to her husband and any other sources she feels are necessary. She spends lots of time thinking about whether to vaccinate her children or not and comes to the conclusion that she will.

I am not going to pretend to know all the ins and outs of vaccinating. Neither do I know the ins and outs of the debates that are going on. Pro-vaxxers are thinking the worst of anti-vaxxers and vice versa, is the gist I'm getting from a lot of the talk out there. I vaccinate my kids, because I feel that it's the best thing for them. The next mom chooses not to vaccinate her kids because she thinks that's the best thing for them. If I turn around and call her out on that, what is that saying? That somehow I am better than she because we've made a different choice? I, for one, don't want to be called out for my choices and think I should extend the same respect to others.

However uninformed I feel anti-vaxxers are, I can't jump to the conclusion that they don't care. They are being accused of not caring about the rest of society, but when it comes right down to it, even as a person who vaccinates her kids, I wasn't thinking about the rest of society when I made my choice. All I thought was, let's make sure my kids don't get any deadly diseases. Maybe that is naive of me, who knows? I think that herd immunity is an amazing side benefit to vaccinating the majority of kids. But let's be honest, I did not really factor low-immune children into my decision to get my kids' shots. By the same token, I don't think it's fair to say that those opposed to vaccines are not caring about the rest of society. All they are thinking is what is the best for their child. Like the rest of us.

The bottom line that I think we're all forgetting this: we all love our kids. We all want the best for them. Whether we choose to vaccinate our kids or not, that decision comes from a place of thought and care. It's not something any of us takes lightly. And frankly, I'm sick and tired of the backlash and fear-mongering from both sides of the issue. I admit I've been a part of it. The criticizing and misunderstanding has come from my lips too. It's a struggle to remain level-headed towards someone when they are making a choice you wholeheartedly don't agree with.

However, let's all try to be grown-ups, shall we?