Stream of conciousness

I am sitting here on this freezing cold Monday morning. It's been a whole week of sickness in our house. School has fallen a bit by the wayside despite my best effort to keep on top of it. Kids are cranky, fighting, recovering, tired. I wonder if there is a scratching at the back of my throat, signalling that maybe Mama is getting sick. If I'm getting sick that means another week of slow school. Spring is days away on the calendar, and yet I look out my window and all I see is the vast whiteness of snow. I cannot conceive right now of ever seeing the grass again.

These are the doldrums of life. The day in, day out of staying home with my kids, of homeschooling. We get sick, we fight, we forgive, we move on then start the cycle all over again. I can look at all of this, at the tedium and wonder why I bother. Is anything, anything at all, getting done? Is any of this worth it? Worth my time, my sacrifce?

I think it all comes down to choice, and choosing how to look at my day and my life. I can focus on the boredom and sheer annoyance that drives me to the brink. Or I can focus on the good that I see around me. There are many, many blessings to be had if I can only open my eyes to see. There is much beauty in my simple life. I may not have the flashy career, the interaction with adults on a daily basis. I may not have the extra cash a job would give me. I might not have the luxury of jumping on a plane and seeing whatever place my heart desires to see. But I have so much.

I hear laundry spinning in the dryer, which means fresh clean clothes.
I see two boys with sniffly noses, sitting on the couch playing a game together.
A little girl who comes and asks me to play Guess Who.
A huge ball of yarn calling my name. A cup of coffee and a cookie.
Spring, just around the corner even if it doesn't look like it from my window.
A God who continues to show me untold grace and faithfulness.

Instead of allowing myself to feel unfulfilled, to look out my window and what could be waiting on the other side of the hill, I can allow myself to find fulfilment right where I am. I can drink in God's word and let Him fill my empty spaces. Talk to Him and let Him lead me by the quiet waters. I don't think there is anything, not one thing in this world that would fulfil me more than He can. No matter where I go, I will still be there, with all of my brokenness that needs to be fixed. And the beauty of it is, no matter where I am, there He will be too.