This is me

You might see me on social media and think I have it all together.

You would be wrong.

That picture I post of freshly baked cookies? You don't know that those were the six I didn't burn.

That picture I post of my smiling kids? You don't know that those smiles lasted all of thirty seconds in our day from hell.

That picture I posted of my kids having a picnic? You don't know that as soon as I posted it, I turned around and yelled at them.

That status I wrote that included a Bible verse? You don't know that I had to post it because that day, that week, I was hanging on to God's promises by a mere thread.

That status I wrote about how great my kids did on their tests? You don't know the months of cajoling and tears and fighting it got to get there.

That encouraging post I shared? You don't know how desperately my own soul needed it.

That picture I posted of us on our family vacation? You don't know that most of the week I complained and the kids fought and we all wondered why we bothered.

That post I shared about homeschooling? You don't know that every single day I second guess our decision to home-educate.

That gorgeous scenery picture of my backyard? You don't know that I have mice crawling through my walls, cobwebs in my corners, dirt in my sink.

That picture of the meal I posted? You don't know that it's the only 'real' meal I served my family all week.

You don't know that I cry, that I yell, that I complain on a regular basis. That I find parenting difficult.

I claim to have faith in God, yet I struggle with anxiety.

You don't know that my kids fight, that they say hateful things to me and their siblings.

You don't know that my husband and I, although we have a good marriage, have fought so hard to get here. There have been days of wondering, hours of tears, lots of not-understanding, years of up-and-down. Lulls, boredom, anger.

You don't know that I could possibly be diagnosed with MS this year. That I struggle to figure out why. That although I am healthy and maybe this diagnosis won't come to pass, I wonder what God is doing. I cry, I rage, I find peace. Then I cry and rage again.

I wonder if God is really with me, if anyone else ever has doubts. I wonder if He is good. I wonder if there is a reason for all of this, if He will make good on His promise to restore justice.

Any slice of wisdom that it seems like I am imparting, know that I have climbed a mountain, crawled through a valley and shed an ocean of tears to get to that place.

Any bit of encouragement that might cross my lips, is being shared because I, more than anyone, needs to be lifted out of the fog of discouragement.

I have a great life. I try so hard to be thankful, to be grateful for what I've been given. But that is only a small part of the story. I am also human and real and struggling. The person that is presented on social media is only a slice, a tiny percentage of who I am. I never want anyone to forget that. We are all in this messy, beautiful, heartbreaking, amazing life together. Let's stop the comparison game, shall we? I'll go first.