Haven't I been over this already?

I struggle with anger and yelling when I feel impatient. 

It's never been anything I've kept a secret. I probably struggled with this my whole life, but it's really manifested itself since having kids. I often wondered why, when I've worked so hard on talking nicely to my husband, that I struggle to keep an even tone with my kids. A friend of mine, when I complained about this to her, said, "It's because with your husband you're dealing with a reasonable individual." So very true. Kids tend to bring out the worst because in the end, we really can't control how they behave. And they behave unreasonably because they're children.

But that is no excuse for me being rude and impatient with them. It has been a long, hard road for me. I have run the gamut from throwing up my hands and saying 'I can't do this, I'm not even going to bother trying!' to trying to 'fix' myself in my own strength (accountability partner, identifying my trigger points, etc.). What I have come to realize though, is the answer is actually somewhere in the middle of those two things.

It's 1. I can't do it on my own and 2. I can't fix myself, but I do need to try. God's truth is always somewhere in the middle of the road. We human beings tend to go to extremes of one thing or the other, but I have always found Him in the middle. I need to strive for what is good, to learn to take my anger to Him and let Him change me, but I also need to realize that I cannot change myself. And honestly? When I finally came to that conclusion, that is when I started to notice more of a change in myself.

There is really no practical answer I could give anyone as to how to learn to control their anger/yelling. But as one who has walked this hard road, I can say that God does want to change you. "...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ..." Phil. 1:6 He doesn't want us staying stuck in the same ruts of our sin but wants to help us move forward and become more like Him. The only way I have found is to keep bringing it before Him and seeking forgiveness when I mess up.

One other thing that I have found helpful is to ask God to let me see my kids the way He sees them. I tend to think of them as little people who never do what I want them to do. But God sees them as special human beings made in His image, and He has a plan for them. If I keep this thought and prayer before me, it helps me keep my tone level and respectful. They deserve a mom who talks nicely to them. Because it isn't always just the yelling, but also the impatient tone and making them feel like a bother.

My biggest goal as a mom is to teach my kids kindness. But how can I hope to accomplish that when I don't always know how to be kind myself? I think that the best I can do, is with God's help model kindness and patience as much as I can, and humbly ask for forgiveness when I fail. Hopefully somewhere, somehow they'll see God's grace working through me.

Friday links

Another weekend is upon us and I couldn't be happier! Weekends are my favourite! 

Here is some stuff I came across this week:

Okay, I admit it. Sometimes I feel angry with God. I know it sounds like the height of irreverence, but there it is. And this is me, bearing my flaws for the world to see. But now you'll know why this article fed my soul so much. It's the road I'm walking and I couldn't have said it better.

Jess writes a great blog on how being 'good-enough' is just fine when you're navigating life as a mom. None of us are perfect. Why not just admit it and take short cuts to make our lives easier?

Every mom's worst fear is something happening to one of her kids. The fear that follows closely behind is the fear of her kids having to live without her. One brave mom had to face this fear: Kara Tippetts passed away this week. She leaves behind a young family but also a legacy of kindness and love. She is a true testimony to God's love and her courage will never be forgotten.

I found this article to be very thought-provoking and relevant. I only hope that her voice, and others in her situation, is heard.

And last but not least, a new recipe I tried the other night. It was easy and scrumptious!

Oh yes, one more thing. I saw these at Winners last night and am contemplating adding them to my summer wardrobe. Every girl needs tinfoil shorty shorts in her life, don't you think?

Repost

I'm reposting something from my old blog that I feel rings true for me today:

One of my least favourite things in life is driving on a dark road at night. Living out in the country, I've found myself having to do this very thing on a regular basis. Night driving is never fun at the best of times, but add a storm to the mix and it is downright unnerving. It is hard to see where the next turn is coming and sometimes all you can do is focus on the few feet right in front of you, keep your eyes on the yellow line in the middle and trust that you'll know where to turn when the next bend in the road appears.

This is like life. I have faced some truly dark moments, and don't we all? Sometimes I look at my kids, and all I can see is their sinful hearts. I cannot see how we are going to get from here - misbehaving kids - to there: Grown-up, mature adults. I just can't see it. A lot of times I feel like I am on a dark road, driving blind. Just as my physical eyes don't have the capacity to see more than a few feet in front of me on a dark, snowy night, so my spiritual eyes don't have the capacity to see very far. Actually, they can't see much at all.

When I have a dark day, the first thing that goes out the window is my perspective. I know that I can only take one day at a time. I know that if I cast it all on the Lord, He'll handle it for me. I know that I can trust my future to God. But it doesn't matter that I know all of this, if I don't act on it.

Yesterday was one such day that I honestly could not see the forest for the trees. I felt stuck, floundering in the mess of sin that one child and I made together. I couldn't breathe, thinking of a future that might not turn out the way I want it to. God, really? Are you even there? 

But this. This is why He specifically tells us not to worry. To take one day at a time. He only gives us strength for the day (hour) in front of us because we can't see the future. I only have the few feet in front of me to show me where to go on a dark road. In life, the only thing I can really see, if I take the time to look, is Jesus.

When I look at Him, I see what He's done for me. When I look at Him, I can see what He's doing for me. If I rest in Him, I feel His strength buoying me up through the darkest of days. If He is here with me in the mess of this day, this hour, He will also be with me five, ten, twenty years down the road. I am short-sighted, and because of this, all I can do is reach out and cling to Him.

Friday links

Today on my calendar it says: First Day of Spring. I want to believe this with all my heart but when I look out my window, it tells a different story.

This is how my driveway looked as I left it this morning.

See those two wooden blocks to the right? Those?
Those are the newel posts of my front steps.

Well, here's hoping that things start to melt soon. Although at this point I cannot imagine where all that snow is going to go. It's pretty safe to say that I am utterly beyond sick of the white stuff.

Here are some links:

I love following the Pioneer Woman's blog. She also has a show on the Food Network, but being that I don't have TV, I can't watch it. Or so I thought. A couple of days ago, I realized that foodnetwork.ca has her episodes listed to watch online! If this is your kind of thing, I highly recommend. 

Speaking of the Pioneer Woman, she had someone guest post on her blog this week. The blogger shared some interesting thoughts on homeschooling. I've long thought that having a strong conviction or passion to homeschool should not translate into making others feel it's the only way.

A challenge from Nancy Leigh DeMoss on writing, blogging, ministry, and getting into God's word.

One day recently I had such a craving for a chocolate peanut butter treat. I went to my trusty Google and came up with these and YUM. Go make now. You won't regret it.

Happy weekend everyone!

Stream of conciousness

I am sitting here on this freezing cold Monday morning. It's been a whole week of sickness in our house. School has fallen a bit by the wayside despite my best effort to keep on top of it. Kids are cranky, fighting, recovering, tired. I wonder if there is a scratching at the back of my throat, signalling that maybe Mama is getting sick. If I'm getting sick that means another week of slow school. Spring is days away on the calendar, and yet I look out my window and all I see is the vast whiteness of snow. I cannot conceive right now of ever seeing the grass again.

These are the doldrums of life. The day in, day out of staying home with my kids, of homeschooling. We get sick, we fight, we forgive, we move on then start the cycle all over again. I can look at all of this, at the tedium and wonder why I bother. Is anything, anything at all, getting done? Is any of this worth it? Worth my time, my sacrifce?

I think it all comes down to choice, and choosing how to look at my day and my life. I can focus on the boredom and sheer annoyance that drives me to the brink. Or I can focus on the good that I see around me. There are many, many blessings to be had if I can only open my eyes to see. There is much beauty in my simple life. I may not have the flashy career, the interaction with adults on a daily basis. I may not have the extra cash a job would give me. I might not have the luxury of jumping on a plane and seeing whatever place my heart desires to see. But I have so much.

I hear laundry spinning in the dryer, which means fresh clean clothes.
I see two boys with sniffly noses, sitting on the couch playing a game together.
A little girl who comes and asks me to play Guess Who.
A huge ball of yarn calling my name. A cup of coffee and a cookie.
Spring, just around the corner even if it doesn't look like it from my window.
A God who continues to show me untold grace and faithfulness.

Instead of allowing myself to feel unfulfilled, to look out my window and what could be waiting on the other side of the hill, I can allow myself to find fulfilment right where I am. I can drink in God's word and let Him fill my empty spaces. Talk to Him and let Him lead me by the quiet waters. I don't think there is anything, not one thing in this world that would fulfil me more than He can. No matter where I go, I will still be there, with all of my brokenness that needs to be fixed. And the beauty of it is, no matter where I am, there He will be too.

Friday links

We've been fighting sickness this week at our house and the internet hasn't been overly inspiring lately. But I have a couple of recipes to share and a 'what I'm reading'. Also, it reached ten degrees Celsius this week at our place and it smelled gloriously of spring outside! Things are starting to thaw. (I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that we're supposed to get a major snowstorm over the weekend.) 

Made the yummiest chocolate chip cookies the other day! There's a secret ingredient in them that makes them so chewy and yum...

And along those same lines, I found this recipe which I plan to try this summer. I had my first frozen hot chocolate at Second Cup last year and it was delish. So here's to hoping that I can make my own version at home!

I am reading this book by Stephen King. I have never read anything by him since I am not a fan of the horror genre, but clearly he's done something right with all the bestsellers he's written over the years. I figure he's got something to say about writing and I've had this book recommended to me from various people. When I'm done reading it I will review it here!

Happy weekend!

Perspective is a wonderful thing

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time. When I first became a mom, I had no clue what I was doing. Combine that with holding myself and my firstborn up to unattainably high standards and it pretty much caused an implosion within myself. I recently read somewhere about a mom who feels as though each couple of years, another layer of fog lifts and she feels more secure and confident in parenting. I totally related to that. I have learned so, so much over the last ten years. Ten years. Oh my, I can hardly believe my firstborn is going to be ten this year! Where has the time gone, and yet, sometimes those years felt like they would never end.

I distinctly remember one time, shortly after I had my second baby, sitting on the middle of my kitchen floor, crying my eyes out. I couldn't do it. I had a 20 month old, active, rambunctious boy, with a new, month-old baby. They were both in diapers and to breastfeed the baby, I had to lock all three of us in a bedroom that contained only a bed and some toys so that I didn't have to jump up mid feed and take the toddler out of a danger zone. It was hard. I felt overwhelmed, tired, and I had absolutely no clue who I was or how I got there.

The days felt so unendurably long. I'd wake up in the morning and literally dread my day. I was hard on myself, felt constantly guilty about everything, and it didn't get better. My toddler became a little boy and my baby became a toddler. I freaked out over every little thing, stayed in an endless funk, and was way too hard on my oldest because he wasn't behaving the way I thought he should be.

Then came the school years and another baby. Then a decision to homeschool. And it's only very, very recently, like in the last six months, that I'm finally, finally starting to feel a wee bit confident and at peace with the whole parenting gig. I'm finally learning to let go a bit on the unrealistic expectations, to feel a bit more like I can breathe. I feel like I can enjoy life again, like I finally at long last remember who I am.

Think back over the last ten years, I wish I could go back in time, and if I could, this is what I would tell myself:

Don't freak out over every little mistake they or you make. You'll remember none of those mistakes years later. If perchance you do remember some of those mistakes - let them go. It's never too late to start over.

This too shall pass. The sleepless nights, the tantrum years, the potty training, the weaning, the picky eating - it all either gets better or ends. They do grow up.

Let go of the guilt. Truly. It only eats you up and steals your joy. Let it go.

Enjoy them. I hated when people said that to me but it's the absolute truth. I wish with all my heart I could go back and soak up every minute of their baby and toddler years with my fresh new outlook. (But only for a day...)

Keep low expectations, but pick your battles. Rules are necessary but not everything needs to have a rule. Pick what is important to you and work on that. Giving in on things you don't care about once in a while will not make or break them. Giving in on things that matter to you deeply? Don't. Stand your ground and stay firm.

Love, love, love them. I was much too harsh and impatient (and I am still working on this, but I feel softer now) and wish I told them more that I love them. I wish I had hugged them and kissed them more. (And I realize I still have them with me, so I try to implement this every day.)

I realize this all makes me sound like an old lady with no kids left in my nest, but I do honestly feel like I have some perspective now that I didn't have before. And it also reminds me to take my own advice and enjoy them while they're still under my roof.

It's no big secret or anything. I think it's just that somewhere along the way I learned that it's okay. It's okay for me to mess up, pick myself up and try again. It's okay if my kids mess up. It's okay to chill out and try to have fun with them rather than constantly waiting for bedtime to come. (Does anyone else do that?) But I think it's also that to have three tiny kids (a four year old, a two year old and a newborn) shouldn't be underestimated. It is hard, tough work. It all starts to get better when they become more independent and reasonable. I just wish I'd shown myself and them a lot more grace in the middle of it all back then.

Friday links.

It's Friday again!! The weeks are just flying by for me! Which is a good thing as far as I'm concerned. The quicker spring comes the better. I'm starting to go a little stir-crazy from all the snow. I just want to sit on my deck and breathe in the smell of spring!

Some links I came across this week:

Watch this video and weep. A few years ago an Iranian-American pastor got arrested in Iran for being a Christian. This video is his wife giving a little speech at a conference. So inspiring!!

Jess gives some thoughts on why writing a blog is not insignificant. I found this helpful as I'm constantly second-guessing my own blogging. I hope that I can grow my own blog into something that will one day encourage women. She gave me the boost to keep going!

Found this recipe and tried it out at a potluck last Sunday. It was a major hit!! It's super easy to make and everyone loved it! Will definitely make it again and the recipe needs to be shared.

Happy weekend!

Food.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I've always maintained that I hate cooking. When I first got married, I had no clue about meal planning and feeding my husband and I tasty, cheap meals. We lived off frozen nuggets, eating out, eating at my mom's, and the occasional meal that I deigned to cook. By the time we had two kids, I was starting to realize that it was my job to keep my family fed. Taking one baby to my mom's most nights for supper was -although bordering on silliness- still manageable, but dragging two kids out? It was not healthy for anyone. I started attempting to cook more but our meals were still half-hearted and lazy on my part and more often than not, I guilted my husband into taking us out or pouted that we couldn't. I didn't seem to understand that cooking filling meals for my family was my JOB.

I am not entirely sure what changed, but by the time I had my third child, I was starting to get the idea that I needed to invest myself more in my cooking. I started cooking simple, but tasty meals for my family. Although I didn't have a huge arsenal of meals to choose from, I did know how to cook a few. And I started trying out new recipes. By trial and error I found some new favourites and all of a sudden I was off a new journey - that of cooking for my family. I still didn't love it. I still balked and complained. I still pouted from time to time. But those times became few and far between. 

And you know what? Somewhere along the way, I started to *gulp* enjoy it. I admit that I don't love meal planning, but if I have an idea of what to cook for supper, I most often enjoy placing that meal on the table for my family. I have found a lot of satisfaction in making sure that my family is fed hearty, tasty meals. That doesn't mean that I never serve frozen nuggets or toss in a frozen pizza. I think every busy mom does that from time to time. But overall, I'm finding that there is great fulfilment in feeding my family. 

Cooking on an extremely tight budget is not easy and I do not always do it right. I'm still learning, still experimenting, still trying and failing. I have my ups and downs where I get so bored of the weekly rotation of meals, but I've found lots of great new recipes online and from friends. My cooking is nothing to write home about but I think I've found a good balance between simple and tasty.

I sit down every week and make a six-day meal plan, and my make my grocery list of whatever I need for the coming week. Then I do my shopping. I don't plan specific meals per specific days, but I decide when I get up in the morning what I'm going to cook for supper that night and do what I need to do to prepare: throw something in the slow cooker, take out a package of meat to thaw, etc. 

My favourite time of day though, is when supper is over and the kitchen is cleaned up. I love the feeling of satisfaction that it gives me.