Almost two years ago, the right side of my body went numb for two months. It was the scariest time in my life to date. When you have no idea why this is happening, when you think that you could possibly have a brain tumour or neurological disease, it's terrifying. I spent most of those days in a fog. I tried not to panic but it was hard. My doctor thought maybe it could be Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and wanted me to go for an MRI.
The numbness went away and so did the urgency for an MRI. She kept me on the waiting list though, thinking it would be better just to get my brain scanned anyway. More than a year after my symptoms went away, they finally called me in for the test. (Gotta love Canadian healthcare. But I am truly thankful I didn't have to pay for it.) I endured the dread of being shoved into a dark tunnel (MRI's are no walk in the park, let me tell you) and then had to wait a month to hear anything. I knew they would find something. You can't have that kind of numbness in your body and not have some kind of issue with your brain.
They found 'lesions', or scar tissue on my brain. This meant that I'd had an attack (the numbness) and that it had healed itself (which is why the numbness went away). I was scared. My doctor set up an appointment with a neurologist but he couldn't tell me much. MS is really hard to diagnose. He needs me to go for a spinal tap so that is where I currently am in this journey. Waiting for a spinal tap and taking one day at a time.
During the two months that I was actually feeling (or not feeling, as the case may be) numbness, I did a lot of soul-searching. I cried and I prayed and I questioned God. The conclusion I came to is this: None of us are promised tomorrow. I only have today and it is a gift. Today I haven't officially been diagnosed with MS, and honestly, I may never be. Still, the what-ifs hover. But, today I can see, I can speak, I can walk, I can breathe, I am alive. Life is beyond precious. If there is anything I learned during those two months it is that I love my life. I have been abundantly blessed beyond anything that I deserve. If my future holds wheelchairs and medications, then I will be given the grace to walk through it. Because if there is one thing I know for sure, it's that God is faithful. He was with me when life felt so uncertain, He is with me now, and He will be with me always.
Life is hard, I fully believe this. Every single person is given a cross to bear. Each and every one of us will have something in our lives that makes us turn to God, of that I am certain. But everyone's cross is going to look different. I am not saying God causes hard things in our lives, but He doesn't always take them away. This world is broken, and so are we. The peace we can find though, is in knowing that there is something and Someone beyond ourselves. That there is a higher purpose, more than just the pain we experience. I've heard the analogy before of life as a tapestry. Right now, we can only see underneath the tapestry, with all the messy threads and the picture that doesn't make sense from the back. But above the tapestry, God is weaving a beautiful design and one day He will show us what He's been up to.
While I'm learning not to wallow in the negativity of life, I never want to be blind to the reality of pain. I think there is a balance to be had between being realistic about hardship, while finding a way to embrace it, or at least move through it in a positive way. For me, this means accepting what might be a possible diagnosis. Accepting, and then taking each day as it comes. I'm learning to be more mindful of what a gift each day really is.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8
Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself. -- C.S. Lewis
