I was thinking today of my life as it was approximately eight-ish years ago when I had a toddler and a newborn. Life was - shall we say - rough. My less than two-year-old was busy. So busy that in order to nurse my newborn, I had to lock us into a room, the three of us, me sitting on the bed nursing, my boy playing with the few toys I had in there for him. I just couldn't trust him enough to nurse my baby in the living room with him left to roam free, which usually meant, for him, a trip to the kitchen to explore. I remember sinking to the floor in tears a couple of times during that period. It all just felt like way too much. And I felt like too much of not enough. There wasn't enough of me and I was tired and actually probably a little malnourished now that I think of it. I remember waking up in the mornings and whole-heartedly dreading my day. The long, long day ahead of who-knows-what facing me. Would my toddler sit still long enough for me to sip a cup of tea? Would I be able to read a few sentences of anything? Would I remember, finally, who I was and how I got here? Or would I have to constantly jump up and down to get my boy out of harm's way, to get him another drink, to change another diaper, to make a meal, to make sure everyone was fed and safe, to somehow make sure I got dressed and fed too. It was quite literally the absolute most exhausting time of my life.
And now here I am, on the other side. Somewhere in all that fog I got pregnant again and had my first girl. Suddenly I am the mom of a ten-year-old, eight-year-old and six-year old. I am witness to the fact that life levels out again. Things get better. Soon those toddlers and babies are able to get themselves in and out of the car, to wipe their own bottoms, to dress and feed themselves. Sure, I am still needed. Supper still must be cooked, groceries done and house cleaned and of course the bulk of it falls to me. But the emotional and physical drain on my heart and soul is not nearly as bone-shatteringly tiring. I sound dramatic, but anyone who has been in my shoes knows what I'm talking about.
If I could, I would go back in time to have a chat with myself. And this is what I would say:
1. You are ENOUGH
These particular children were given to you for a reason. You are the best possible mom for them and you are enough. You. Are. Enough. I know it doesn't feel like it, but just feeding and clothing those precious babies is enough. Just being there is enough. I know in writing you're not supposed to keep saying the same word over and over, but I must say it again: YOU ARE ENOUGH. It doesn't matter if all those other moms are crafting and pinteresting and have angelic looking children because you know what? They don't. You find me a mom that is always that perfectly put together and perfectly perfect, and I will tell you that trolls are actually real. All those other moms with 'good' children? Don't exist. Even if it seems like it and I promise that at times it does seem like it, but I am here to tell you that they do not exist. Every other mother that you know, has held poop in her hands. She has yelled at her kids and sometimes she wants to run away. If she tells you that none of this has happened, then she is flat out lying to your face. So, back to my original point, you are enough. If you love your babies and keep everyone fed and alive, you are enough. Our version of 'enough' is too big. We think we have to be superhuman. We forget how tired we are and therefore forget to be gentle with ourselves. The real version of 'enough' is just that: the minimal that you do to ensure love and safety is enough. Enough, I tell you. And no, I am not tired of saying it. I will say it until you believe. ENOUGH.
2. Let go of the guilt
'Frozen' didn't exist back in 2007, but I would sing it to you now. 'Let it go, let it go...' Seriously let it go. Is there any more crippling emotion than guilt? Your kids are fine. They will be fine. It is not going to hurt them if you don't have the energy to play another game with them. It won't kill them to realize that Mommy gets tired too. If they have to cry while you feed their sibling, it's okay. If you can't do much more in the run of a day than to keep the house standing, that is okay. If they have to play independently for a while so you can lay down and rest, they will be okay. No child ever died from Mommy needing a break. If your general pattern is to love on them and if your home is secure and loving and their basic needs are met, it's really, really okay to let the baby cry for a few minutes while you sit and read with your toddler. Trust me. No one is doing this gig better than you and certainly no one ever won an award for being most-stretched-thin mom. Take a break. Leave them with your husband when he gets home and go to Chapters. Or chat with a friend. Or whatever rejuvenates you.
3. God is there
Sometimes He can feel far away, but honestly, and I promise you this, He is right there beside you. He promises to gently lead those who have young children (Isaiah 40:11) and He promises to never leave your side. And I am here, all these years later, to tell you: It is all true. So reach out to Him and draw from His strength. Also, another verse in the Bible tells us to think on what is true (Philippians 4:8). And the truth? You are a good mom. If you got up this morning and kissed your babies, you are a good mom. Any decision you make that is based on the good of your family, means that you are a good mom.
4. This will pass
Newsflash: It does end. All those ladies who stop you in the grocery to store to tell you to 'enjoy it because it goes so fast' actually mean it. I will personally rip their heads off for you about the 'enjoy it' part because let's face it, a lot of what you're going through is actually not enjoyable. We'll talk more about 'joy' next, but for now let me say: It really, truly does go by so very fast. The days feel utterly long and endless sometimes but the years fly by. Soon you will have elementary age children and you will look back on these days of babyhood with longing. (Not really. But that's not my point.)
5. Find the little moments of joy
Now, it's really hard to enjoy these babyhood days. Really, really hard. It's hard to feel joy when you're changing your tenth diaper in a day. Or joy when you step in poop, or find your baby eating his poop, or anything related to poop. It's hard to enjoy it when you've had no sleep the night before and your toddler keeps tantrumming and your baby is going through a growth spurt and won't stop nursing. It's just plain hard. But what I will tell you is this: Find moments to enjoy. Because there are moments of joy. When your little boy sees you weeping on the floor because you forget who you are and he comes over and hugs you (this really happened to me). When your baby smiles their first full-on grin. And sometimes it's about making the moments of joy for yourself. Boiling water for tea. Turning on your favourite restful music. Watching a show during nap time. Going for a walk in the clear fresh air. Remembering to breathe. Just breathe. You will come out of this alive and intact and with amazing children.
6. Ask for help
And last of all, remember to ask for help. My mom was close by and so I did get lots of help from her. But I think there were times when I needed help and didn't ask. I think it would have done wonders for my sanity if I'd asked her once in a while to come get the toddler so I could focus on the baby. (And who knows maybe I did do this. It was all such a fog I think I actually have holes in my brain from it.) (I know I'm writing this to myself technically, but here's a good tip: If you're not near your mom, look for someone else in your life to ask for a breather. If there is someone who would gladly take your toddler off your hands for a while, then ask.) Let go of the guilt that you have to be their everything all the time and just ask.
Okay I think that's all I needed to say. Hang in there, little mama.
